Some Insights + Feelings From 4th / 5th Holotropic Workshops

No Date:
There is a very unhappy and confused little girl inside me who still desperately longs for the love and attention she never received when she was tiny.

I now realise that it is she who surfaces from my subconscious to unleash her unbearable anguish upon those who dare to hurt, humiliate or antagonise me.

18th Aug, ’95:
Vivid image of my mother with wild eyes and clenched teeth accusing me of being a “confounded liar”. That was a regular occurrence throughout my childhood.

No Date:
The year-long depression I suffered following the birth of my first child, was probably not so much hormone-induced, as more my complete shock reaction to the drastic demands of motherhood. Given my normal bad reaction to any new situation this realisation comes as no surprise.

No Date:
Is it possible that my total inability to comprehend even the most basic arithmetic could be due to some strange disorder similar to that of dyslexia?

30th.Aug,’95:
At around 8.30am dreamt my bedroom was covered in thick horrible cobwebs which spanned the room from wall to wall.

Within those webs were giant spiders whose legs appeared to be reaching out for me. I was terrified and began screaming for my husband to take them away. I woke up.

Later on that day, at about 1.30pm, I entered an altered state whereby I had rapid but vivid flashes of what seemed to be long spidery arms coming at me. The feeling of intense fear was ever present throughout those brief glimpses of absolute horror.

Choking on the phlegm that had lodged in my throat following a violent coughing episode, I struggled to catch my breath in a desperate bid to stay alive. Eventually the fear subsided.

Some time later, I was aware of feeling very alert and also there was a definite sense of having let go of something very frightening. Could the terrifying feelings have been a momentary re-experience of my entry into this world?

8th.Sept.’95:
Very upset yesterday and today, brought about by a family situation too difficult for me to handle in my present state of mind. At 1.15pm rang my therapist. Was very distressed on the phone for about twenty minutes. Immediately afterwards went to bed, where I continued my heart-rending sobbing until finally exhausted, I began to doze off.

Just as I was slipping into unconsciousness, I began the violent shaking familiar to me when entering an altered state. That was immediately followed by a profound shift in my physical and mental state.

Slowly I began to arch my body backwards, gradually moving it up towards the headboard. With my face pressed hard against the pillows, I let out one of my gut-wrenching screams before beginning my downward journey towards the centre of the bed. Coughing, spitting and gasping for air, I finally reached my destination. I lay waiting to be born.