At 9.15am, we began our meditation and introduction. There were twelve people in all, including Abby, a previous partner from Lynn’s workshop, whom I was delighted to see. We would also partner each other today.
The first session got going around 10.00am with Abby breathing first. She had a good session and was ready to leave at 1.07pm. Following an enjoyable lunch hour, we returned to the session room at 2.15pm. As always, at the beginning of my sessions, I was very nervous, but soon calmed down enough during the relaxation exercise to allow my mind and body prepare themselves for yet another unknown destination:-
“After about ten minutes of breathing I begin to feel really high on the music. It is wonderful. Some minutes later, my hands go numb and a blinding headache sets in, which takes a while to ease. Now my head begins to roll from side to side while I still continue to ride along on the evocative music. Every so often I have to scratch my nose, something which irritates me no end, then my ears begin to itch. As I go deeper into my altered state, all of this discomfort soon disappears.
Around forty five minutes into the breathing, I start to let out my usual angry screams. Now I can no longer feel the mattress beneath me and just as I’m beginning to enjoy this pleasant floating sensation, I’m seized with a sudden urge to push myself upwards towards the wall behind me. Grunting from exertion, I begin a clockwise rotation of my body and quickly realise that I’m trying, yet again, to be born.
At times during this process, sharp pains shoot through different parts of me and as I continue to scream and push my way down what for me is, my mother’s birth canal, I’m aware of cushions being placed around me, as no doubt by now, I’ve moved well off the mattress.
Suddenly I find my movement is restricted and I’ve once more hit a brick wall. The entrance to the outside world is sealed, there’s no hope of escape. Still trying to push my way through, I’m now overwhelmed by an incredible sense of anger, sadness and total failure in my efforts to be born. Completely drained of energy, I reluctantly surrender to this despair. There is nothing to do now but sleep. I make my way back onto the mattress where I curl up and try to recover from my futile efforts.
When I try to get back into the breathing I find it very difficult and after a few attempts I give up. I’ve failed yet again. As always, every time I’m faced with a difficult situation it becomes my struggle in the birth canal. I desperately try to cope, but eventually when presented with too great an obstacle, I give up and become depressed. I hate myself for having to admit defeat. I hate myself for never having been able to express all these feelings, which for others, seem such a bloody normal process. I HATE MYSELF.
I really can’t get back into the breathing so I’m hoping someone will soon come to help me out.
After a short while Fiona comes and sits beside me. I explain I can’t go any further and she gently places her hand on my upper tummy. With that, I break into uncontrollable sobbing, the cries, absolutely racking my entire body. I cover my face with my hands, while the sounds coming from me are exactly like those of an intensely distressed infant who feels totally engulfed by his sadness.
Already exhausted from my ordeal, I still find the strength to scream out each time Fiona applies pressure to my tummy. Now the anger turns inwards and I begin trying to bite my fist every so often, but I’m prevented from doing so by Fiona, who gently but firmly, removes my hand each time I attempt to bite it.
Eventually I calm down and she lies beside me, gently stroking me while I cry quietly to myself. I ask her if Tony could be with me for a while and she promises to check with him as soon as possible.
My harrowing experience has left me shattered and as usual, I’m finding it very difficult to seek comfort from my sitter, so instead I curl up with my blanket wrapped tightly around me and doze off for a while. When I awake I’m aware of an intense discomfort under my left rib cage. I know I’ve got to deal with this right now, or else I’ll suffer ‘till my next session.
When Tony arrives I tell him about my sadness, but not my pain. Already I’ve begun to lock it away inside me. It’s only when he asks if there’s anything else, that I, very reluctantly, admit that I’m hurting.
While Tony’s fingers are seeking out the blocked tension, I begin to feel a huge sense of guilt for asking him to help me. Perhaps, all my life I’ve felt guilty about requesting help, so therefore I’ve always pretended everything was fine, when really I was in fucking agony, both physically and emotionally.
Tony has now found the spot and asks me to let out the feeling. Within seconds, I’m producing one of my gut-wrenching screams which seems to go on forever. As he deeply massages the painful area, I continue with this earth shattering form of release. Not only am I screaming now, but I’m making the same agitated sounds a young infant makes when highly distressed. Tony encourages me to really let out these sounds. He continues to apply pressure to my tummy which still has me roaring out my anger and frustration and rolling all over the place.
As the feelings begin to subside, I begin to make little humming noises, again like the ones a baby makes when tired. As before, Tony suggests I amplify these sounds. When I finally calm down, I have a tremendous feeling of having released a great deal of pain, which is so important for me as I need my sessions to end with a good sense of completion.
Moments later, when I explain to Tony that there were no visual images during my dreadful anger and sadness, he suggests that my experience could have been a transpersonal one, where these feelings may not have necessarily been my own, but that I was picking them up from around me, perhaps a very long time ago. I thank him for all his help, then rest for about ten minutes before eventually leaving at 5.55pm”.
I went straight into the small room beside our session room to draw my Mandala, which depicted a very angry baby trying to be born, also a huge black ball, representing my terrible sadness.
I was quiet for a while after I went down to the kitchen but later became involved in some of the less energetic pieces of conversation. We finished our break around 6.30pm.
On returning to the session room, we had a short meditation, followed by our group sharing which, for some, was to become a very emotional occasion. Tony then got us to hold hands and go deep within ourselves to contact our spirit guides, or whoever, an experience which I usually find both comforting and healing.
We finished up at 7.35pm. After we’d tidied up the room and kitchen, I hugged Tony and Fiona, then left at 7.55pm. Got a lift from one of the girls and arrived home at 8.15pm. After something light to eat and a cup of Camomile tea, I went to bed around 10.30pm.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment