Closing Day of Weekend Workshop 23/7/1995

Woke up 6.30am. Had difficulty remembering what I did yesterday. When I finally did remember it had no impact whatsoever on me. Got up 7.00am, showered, then got ready to face the day ahead. Arrived at the Centre 9.25am where a few people had already gathered in the kitchen for their early morning bevvies.

At around 9.50am we all assembled in the main room. Ken took us through a long meditation session followed by some very gentle body exercises, using just our arms and hands. It lasted about fifteen minutes and was very relaxing. Following that we had a short coffee break, after which, at 11.39am, we returned to our respective rooms to begin the only session of the day.

Gerry was on the mattress this morning, and I was feeling much more confident about helping him. As his experience was not as profound as yesterday he hardly needed any assistance from me at all. At one point during the session I was again aware of my inability to feel anything from my own experience yesterday.

On the mattress next to Gerry, one of the guys was going through a hellish ordeal. His agonising screams and violent gagging must have been a little unsettling, to say the least, for the new comers to this form of therapy. I strangely felt happy for him though, because I knew he was obviously confronting a great deal of deep-rooted pain. Afterwards I gave him a long empathetic hug.

The session ended at around 2.00pm. We then had lunch and were requested to return to our small groups at 2.45pm. I suddenly felt like being alone for some reason, also I wanted to do some writing, so I went down around 2.30pm. We eventually got going around 2.55pm. Gerry and the distressed guy discussed their experiences in great detail with Brian, who again gave them plenty of time to explore their feelings. Then it was my turn.

I told Brian how I wasn’t feeling anything apart from a mental numbness.

Also that I was a bit anxious about leaving the whole group and returning home. At that point I was fine. Then Brian reminded me how I didn’t always have the support I needed before and maybe that’s what bothering me now. I thought about that for a few seconds, then broke down. All the old hurt came flooding back. I explained how my mother in one of her dark moments, tried to kill herself at the top of the stairs in front of me when I was about six or seven, and how she’d made me drown kittens which I’d brought home after rescuing them from inevitable death.

It all came pouring out. TERROR. ANGER. HATE. Never before was I so totally open or so deeply distressed in a group situation as I was at that very moment. My feelings immediately drew me back to when I was small and vulnerable, pleading for help and longing to be loved. I was completely helpless. Brian was so understanding of my situation.

We then went up for another short coffee break.

At around 4.30pm we returned to the main room, but this time remained with our small group within the large group. This gave me the reassurance I needed just then. Ten minutes later, Ken got us one by one to talk about our experiences in as much as we wanted to, and also about how the week-end went for us in general.

While one woman was describing her pain, I began to cry quietly to myself. After a few minutes I stopped. Sometimes it would be other people’s suffering and even Ken’s sympathetic response which would touch me deeply and start me crying again.

When it came to my turn to speak, my voice just went completely hoarse and I couldn’t clear my throat. Then when I finally managed to get out a couple of words, I broke down again, but tried to keep going.

In very broken dialogue I explained the birth section of my first session (Friday) and the overwhelming release of indescribable pain during the second session (Saturday). I never felt so emotionally naked as I did just then sitting curled up against the wall.

I also told Ken that I felt the group had become like a family to me and it was going to hurt leaving them. I then explained how numb I’d felt all morning and with a gentle smile he suggested that “perhaps I was no longer numb?”. I managed a weak smile and replied “no”. Following all that, he then got each small group to form a circle right where we were sitting.

With the aid of beautiful meditative music and Ken’s guidance, we each silently thought of a special gift we’d wish each member of our group to go forward with which would help them in their everyday lives. I had no problem doing this, but when it came to me to wish for myself the special gift I needed, I just went to pieces again. My whole body shook with uncontrollable sobbing. I opened my eyes and looked over at Joan, the therapist sitting beside Ken. Silently I seemed to be begging her to help me stop crying. She nodded as if to say, keep going. Feeling so helpless and guilty that I might be disturbing everyone else, I made several attempts to close my eyes and go back into the meditation. Eventually I succeeded.

When it was all over, we began the painful process of saying our good-byes. That really tore me apart. Firstly I hugged and kissed the people within my own group, then all the others whose personalities and suffering touched me so deeply.

I had a special hug and words of thanks for each of the four therapists who helped make this week-end one of the most enlightening and fulfilling three days of my life.

It felt so strange, almost frightening, going back out for the last time. I was instantly engulfed in the late evening city sounds, which I also found to be very scary.

Arrived home 6.30pm. Felt very shaky but happy to see everyone. Ate some dinner in the kitchen with my husband while I relayed the whole day’s events to him. It was so good to have someone to talk to as I felt so disconnected from everything.

Later he played football with the boys while I went into the sitting room to listen to some soothing music. I cried for a while then fell into a very deep peaceful sleep. Afterwards I felt a lot better and was happy to listen to what the boys were telling me about their eventful day.

Now and again throughout the evening, I needed to explore my feelings in order to help begin the long process of sorting out the remaining shit still inside my head.

As the night wore on, I still wasn’t aware of any physical discomfort other than mild tiredness. Watched television for a while, had a cup of Camomile tea, then went to bed around 10.30pm.