I felt very comfortable in this old house with its long windows looking out over some of Dublin’s most beautiful scenery.
There were eight participants, including myself. Following a short meditation and introduction we picked our partners. Deirdre and I chose each other.
The first session started at 9.45am. with Deirdre breathing first. When she needed some bodywork towards the end, I found it strange at not been asked to help out, as I was used to helping in Lynn’s workshops. Deirdre was ready to leave at 1.35pm. I made her a cup of tea while she was drawing her Mandala, then had my own lunch. Some people went out for a walk, while the rest of us remained in the kitchen. As there were still two couples in the session room, we had quite a long lunch break and didn’t return for the second session ‘till 2.55pm. By that time I was very apprehensive about what the afternoon would bring.
When I returned to the session room, I was so nervous, I just wanted to run out. Tony’s relaxation technique was also slightly different from the one I’m used to. This time I was taking long deep breaths, yawning, then slowly breathing out again. I found this to be a very pleasant experience. After several minutes of this exercise, I began my deep rapid breathing which was to take me into a very deep altered state:-
“I settle into the breathing and allow myself to enter into the hyperventilation state which causes my hands to become numb and bring about the strange sensations in my body which I have come to enjoy.
After about half an hour, my head begins to move around and I start making agitated sounds. This is followed by an incredible urge to free myself from some tightly enclosed space, and with a powerful burst of energy, I begin to push my body, head first, up towards the wall behind me. I continue with this movement until, as always, I begin to realise that I’m never going to be freed from this terrifying hell-hole. Totally defeated, I start to cry and eventually doze off for a few moments. A while later, I have to have a pee.
I return to the breathing which takes me back into my sadness, only this time, I’m a young infant and feeling the pain of abandonment. Fearing my cries will forever go unheard, I make one last attempt to communicate my despair. Clawing at my face in angry frustration, my heart-rending sobbing becomes loud violent screams. It’s no use. I retreat inside myself and allow the emotional pain to become physical. I feel it all over my body and it hurts like shit. I just lie there quietly crying, unable to ask for help.
After some time I’m aware of a warm presence and soon discover that it’s Fiona who’s lying beside me, her arm cradling my exhausted body. Desperately needing comfort, I snuggle closer to her and become inconsolable with grief. One minute I’m the adult, mourning the loss of a loved one, the next I’m the small child who has recently lost her mother. That wound is still wide open, its pain unbearable.
I pull away from Fiona and go into a kneeling position, then bury my face in the pillow, rocking to and fro in mental anguish. My happy childhood memories of being with my mother on the beach are causing me the greatest suffering. I remain in this state for quite a long time.
Exhausted, I turn onto my back again and begin to feel a tremendous discomfort in my chest. I’m able to show Fiona where it hurts and she gets me to do some deep breathing while she applies gentle pressure to the painful area. After a while I begin to scream out in agony, shouting “fuck you, I hate you” every so often. The discomfort moves down into my upper tummy where it becomes almost excruciating.
As soon as Fiona places her finger on the actual spot, I go absolutely berserk. I have never felt so much rage. All Hell breaks loose with me screaming things like “fuck you”, “Jesus” and “shite” as the pain intensifies. At one point I begin to scream “I hate you bitch” over and over as I pound my hands and feet into the mattress. This anger appears to be directed at two different groups of people. The first person being my adoptive mother, for all the humiliation she caused me as a child and adolescent, the second seems to be a group of people who are hurting me.
For a brief moment during my outburst, I have a very vivid image of myself as a baby in a hospital ward. As my rage subsides, I break down and cry my guts out for what seems an eternity. Some time later I realise all my pain is gone and has been replaced by a wonderful sense of completion. A lot of painful shit has been released today.
Fiona remains with me for a while longer then leaves me to rest peacefully, all curled up under my warm blanket. When I’m eventually ready to leave the room, it is 6.40pm”.
Tea time in the kitchen was great fun, although at first I didn’t become too involved in the hilarity as I was still very bewildered by my experience. Neither did I draw my Mandala.
We returned to the session room at around 7.30pm. where once again we formed a circle on the floor around the lighted candle. Following another short meditation, we then each gave a lengthy account of our experiences, with both Tony and Fiona commenting in great detail on each one. As the day grew to a close we all held hands while Tony helped us to go deep inside ourselves to contact our spirit guide or guardian angel. This was a beautiful ending to what had been for me, a very painful and exhausting journey.
We finished up around 8.15pm. As always following such deep sharing experiences, every member of the group hugged each other and expressed their desire to meet up again soon.
I was deeply moved by this genuine bonding which usually occurs during these workshops.
I arrived home at 8.45pm, eager to recount the day’s events. For the first time following a session, I wasn’t in the least bit hungry, so I just had a cup of Camomile tea. Shortly afterwards complete exhaustion sets in, so I went to bed at 9.30pm.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment