Following the meditation, Ken asked if anyone wanted to talk about how things went for them yesterday evening and this morning, or if they had any dreams they’d like to discuss. Lots of people shared their feelings and dreams, but I didn’t have the courage to discuss mine within the large group, also I was still a bit upset. Afterwards we divided into our small groups. This time, Gerry did most of the talking as he was due for the morning session on the mattress. Again, Brian gave us as much time as we each needed to express our thoughts or any worries we might have had. I now felt free to discuss last night’s dream and also how I felt last night when I got home.
After the coffee break the first session of the day got underway. I was sitting for Gerry. Although I’d been so scared I wouldn’t be able to help him, everything actually worked out very well. As it happened, he’d had a very powerful experience and needed to talk through his painful ordeal. He also needed a hug. I was thankful I could help on both accounts. After lunch we began the afternoon session. This time I asked Gerry to just tip me on the arm if I needed to be reminded of the breathing. I felt the idea of touching my navel was too intimate and intrusive. The session began in the usual way with Ken’s tape helping us to relax and prepare for whatever the session would bring:-
“Almost from the moment I start breathing I begin to shake violently all over. This usually happens, but didn’t yesterday. The shaking lasts for ages, then the pins and needles set in. My hands move up over my chest and after a while I am trying to be born again. During this lengthy stage I’m moving around quite a bit, but not as much as usual. Also I’m making a lot of moaning sounds.
At some point Hazel (as I later discovered) comes behind me, lifts my head and applies pressure to my neck. This causes me to scream out many times. I still feel the need to push myself out of my mother’s vagina, and at one stage I feel my head is almost through the wall. After a while I become aware of something or someone trying to hurt me in some way. I begin to scream “No, no”, just as I did yesterday. No definite image comes to mind.
Slowly I begin to feel pain in my chest, then in my lung region. On each occasion I scream with such force, it feels as if my head will burst. I clench my fists so hard, my nails almost penetrate the palms of my hands. Now, I’m no longer aware of my surroundings or of hearing anybody else’s suffering.
A dull pain rises from my lower belly into my left side, where it finally settles and intensifies. I put my hands down on it to try and ease it, but that doesn’t work. I desperately need someone to press hard on my tummy to release the pain. Again it is Hazel (as I discover a few moments later) who kneels beside me and applies firm pressure to the centre of my gut. With this I scream out several times which leaves me absolutely exhausted. I move her hand over my left side and she continues pressing really hard. This is when I release the strongest and loudest screams of all. I keep that going for ages. Hazel reassures me that I’m doing really well.
Suddenly there is a feeling of completely letting go of what seems like massive amounts of emotional shit. I immediately break into uncontrollable weeping. The cries are coming straight up from the depths of my guts. I just lie there crying and sometimes screaming, overwhelmed by an incredible sense of having finally touched upon, and released some of this fucking pain which has plagued me all my life. All I can repeat over and over again through my tears is “Oh! God, Oh! God”.
Still beside me, Hazel places my head on her knee and gently strokes my forehead, while continuing to reassure me that everything is all right. Although I’m in a state of almost near collapse, I feel happy that I’ve really achieved something today. Hazel now helps me to turn onto my side and replaces the small cushion under my head.
Just then the session comes to an end, and I smile as I mumble “perfect timing”. The soft sound of Ken’s voice and the beautiful soulful music make me cry again. I turn onto my back and again sob through almost half of the tape, just as I did yesterday. Gradually I relax to the point where I practically fall asleep”.
I was the last to leave the room with Gerry who was a bit concerned about me. I assured him I was fine even if I was a bit wobbly.
During the coffee break I was suddenly aware that I wasn’t feeling any discomfort, either physically or emotionally. Usually at this stage I’m feeling a bit sick or on either a high or a downer. Now I was feeling nothing. I wasn’t too sure how I should be reacting to this, although I remember thinking at one stage that it was good. Afterwards we reassembled in our small groups.
I was the first to talk in our group. By now I had a new energy and was eager to share with everyone my great sense of freedom from some of the horrendous anguish which had been locked in my gut for so long. Even now I was finding it quite difficult to explain it. During my discussion with Brian it occurred to me that maybe some of my gynaecological and bowel disorders might have their roots in some dreadful experience which I can’t consciously remember. Brian agreed it was possible.
We returned to the main room for a short talk by Ken then finished up around 7.15pm.
On returning home I was a bit dazed but felt great. No nausea or discomfort of any kind. As the evening wore on I became less talkative and withdrew somewhat into myself without actually feeling depressed. At around 10.15pm. I began to feel very tired so went to bed 10.40pm.
Slept fairly well except for the early part of the night when I tossed and turned for ages, mainly because I was too bloody hot. During the times I lay awake, not once did I think about the day’s events.
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