Ken gave a lengthy talk about the week-end in general. He then got us to introduce ourselves and talk a bit about why we were doing the Workshop. Then there was a coffee break for about fifteen minutes. Afterwards we came back into the main room where Ken guided us into a meditation during which we chose the first image that came into our minds. He then got us to visualise that image getting bigger and taller than ourselves. We had to try to feel what it was like to be that image. Then we brought it back down to its original size and visualised putting it down in the circle on the paper (we each had a large sheet of paper onto which we drew a circle). There were crayons and paint to choose from, and those who did not have brushes, did finger painting. It was a wonderful scene to observe. Everyone so completely absorbed in their own world of images, working away in almost total silence. The idea that we resembled a group of young children in playschool made me smile to myself.
My Mandala was of a large sea shell opening up with the small clam still inside it waiting to emerge. I drew it with a red crayon. I think the shell possibly signifies me, the person, beginning to open up, with the clam maybe the part of me which is still waiting to be born.
After that Ken handed out meditation sheets with lot of questions for us to reflect upon. We then broke up into two groups, ten staying in Room 3 and ten moving into Room 2. Each group then divided into five, each with a therapist. My group had Hazel. We talked intimately about our problems and tried to describe our Mandalas. That finished around 1.35pm. We then had lunch ‘till 2.20pm.
After we all returned to the main room, Ken gave another talk (around half an hour) about what happens during a Holotropic session. Following that we again divided into two groups of ten, one remaining in Room 3, the other moving into Room 2. (I was part of the latter group). My partner was Gerry who was easy with the fact that it suited me better to “breathe” in the afternoon. As usual, I felt a bit nervous before the session, and when I’m like this I talk a lot. I didn’t particularly like the idea of having my partner maybe touch my navel (as suggested by the therapists) to remind me to breathe, although I agreed to it. Our group of ten had Brian and Hazel to support us during and following our inward journeys.
The session began with a tape of Ken guiding us through a relaxation technique which was accompanied by a very beautiful piece of music. I felt this sound really helped to create a truly peaceful environment. After what seemed like fifteen or twenty minutes, Ken then asked us to change our breathing to a deeper, slower rhythm - breathing slowly into our tummies and right up through our bodies, then exhaling very slowly, bringing in our tummies as we did so. I found that exhausting!.
Following that, Ken now asked us to breathe in rhythm to the sound on the tape which was definitely a strong heartbeat. I found it very calming and hypnotic. My journey was soon to commence:-
“The breathing is going fine. Soon there is the feeling of a tight band across my lower tummy which slowly moves up over my chest. After a while the usual pins and needles set into my hands which then curl inwards and move up onto my chest. I become distressed as though I have a high fever, bringing my hands up to my face. For some reason, I’m still very conscious of the other people in the room. Perhaps it is the music which I feel is not loud enough to help me go into a deeper state.
After about three quarters of an hour, I begin to feel something happening. An incredible anger builds up which makes me want to scream at everyone around me. I hate them all for just being there. I only want to be with Lynn and Grainne (the facilitators from my previous Centre) and I’m missing them something awful.
A while later the old feeling of being trapped in the birth canal is back. I am angry at my mother for holding me back and doing nothing to help me out. Almost immediately following that I have an image of my father standing over me ready to hit out at me. I scream “No don’t” several times, then curl up into my protective ball. Again I return to my birth. I am still trapped and desperately trying to get out. At some stage Gerry, my partner, touches my navel which sends me into a rage, causing me to scream and lash out at him. I just could not bear to be touched at that particular moment. I feel utterly lost and cry out in total despair.
Just then Hazel kneels down beside me and removes my hand from my mouth. She tells me I don’t need to hide anything anymore and urges me to “let them hear you” (referring to my muffled cries). I let out a few gut-wrenching yells to which she responds with “that’s it” several times. Hazel must also sense I am trying to be born, because she puts her arm around my body in a way which makes me feel I am making my way down the birth canal. I am pushing my way through her arm, twisting and turning as I move along. All the time I’m groaning loudly from the shear exertion.
At last I feel I’m getting somewhere. On the way out I begin to cough and choke. Then the crying starts again and Hazel is encouraging me to really let it out. She lifts me up into a sitting position and sits behind me. Putting her arms around my tummy and squeezing me causes me to really cry from deep inside my belly. I remain like that for quite some time, rocking, crying and aching inside from the almost intolerable sadness. Hazel then takes me in her arms and allows me continue with my heart-rending sobbing. Eventually it subsides and she helps me lie back on the mattress, while all the time stroking my hair and comforting me just as you would a young child.
As the session draws to a close, Ken’s voice on the tape begins to slowly bring us back to our ordinary states of consciousness. This takes about fifteen minutes, half of which I sob through. I am totally inconsolable, feeling that this anguish will never end”.
After the session we went back up for a coffee break for about twenty minutes, then divided into our small groups again. My group, with Brian, also consisted of Gerry. It was great being able to relate in lengthy detail our experiences as it helped to outwardly express in words all the pain and suffering which had, just moments before, been experienced deep within ourselves.
Also I felt that because of the very intimate nature of the discussion, a bonding process developed between everyone in the group, which indeed continued to grow over the three days. Brian was very helpful in that he gave us plenty of time each to reflect upon, and try to make some sense of our experiences. He commented on each one in turn.
We then returned to the main room where Ken gave a brief talk on how we would be feeling afterwards, and allowed plenty of time for the many questions raised. He then got us to do some grounding work, where we all stood up, and with feet at shoulder distance apart, to shift our weight from foot to foot to ensure our feet were firmly on the ground. We then bent over and allowed our arms to hang down, then slowly move back up again, with our heads being the last to come up. It was all very relaxing. After saying all our farewells, we left around 6.30pm.
A couple of hours after I arrived home, I felt very sick and tired, and later developed a lot of lower tummy discomfort. I felt very cold and went to bed around 10.30pm.
Woke up around 3.00am. sweating. Opening my eyes I could still hear my angry screams as I slowly emerged from my terrifying dream relating to yesterday’s session. Still had some lower tummy discomfort not unlike a period pain. Fell back asleep somewhere around 5.00am. Dreamt my partner, Gerry, left his three year old son with me but I felt I couldn’t care for him.
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