To help out Tony and Fiona we also had Katherine, who was facilitating for the first time. I first met Katherine at the June’96 session, when I then observed how comforting she was to her partner during the evening discussion.
For some reason it was important for me today to breathe in the morning and as that suited Maureen, it worked out fine. After the usual introductions and meditation, the first session got underway around 10.00am. I settled quickly into the relaxation exercises, then allowed my breathing and the music to take me to yet another unknown destination:-
“About twenty minutes into the breathing I begin to develop strong labour-type pains with an irresistible urge to push. I’m not aware that I’m giving birth, more like I’m just trying to expel something from my body. The pain causes me to scream out and every so often I draw my knees up to relieve the terrible discomfort. Perhaps it’s because I’m dealing with some sort of birthing process, I find I’m still doing OK with the breathing.
After some time, during which not a great deal happens, I begin to feel the awful sense of abandonment so familiar when I was a very young infant. (A feeling experienced during many of my breathwork sessions). At first I cry, desperately longing to be held, then when no sign of comfort seems forthcoming, I begin to yell in anger, clenching my fists whilst curling my body up into a ball.
I’m not sure how long I remain like this, but the next thing I’m aware of is frantically trying to free myself from the suffocating confines of a narrow passage which becomes more life threatening by the minute.
I’m all over the place now, pushing and groaning and screaming with frustration at my failure to deliver myself from this shitty hell-hole. All I’m trying to do is to get born and I can’t even fucking do that without help. I’m so bloody angry. Finally, drained from all the effort, I just surrender to the dreadful sadness which eventually engulfs my whole being. My cries are deafening me, but there’s no escape from the relentless onslaught of painful feelings.
Now my distress takes me back to a time when I was again very tiny and needing to be cared for. This time there’s a definite sense of urgency in my crying as my hands open and contract with agitation.
So intense is my distress that I suddenly develop a fit of violent coughing, struggling to breathe and choking on lumps of sticky mucous. The coughing becomes gagging as I try to puke up horrendous feelings of repulsion towards some unidentifiable source. Almost immediately there’s a clear image of my adoptive father standing before me which causes me to gag even more forcefully as I realise that it’s his presence which is filling me with this horrible disgust. However, there seems to be no explanation for these feelings. Somebody is handing me tissues as I continue to spit up all that shit I’ve locked inside me for so long.
An overwhelming sense of both loss and anger now takes over. Still kneeling in the position I took when my gut was heaving, I begin to cry long hard sobs which rack my entire body. My only question is this:- why the fuck had I been so wrongly deprived of the most precious gift in life - LOVE.
I’m lying face down with my head in my hands, totally consumed by my terrible sadness, when I feel a hand gently stroking my back in a very sympathetic manner.
It moves up over my head, slowly caressing my hair. Like the young infant that I’d now become, I respond to the tenderness by suddenly turning into the arms of my comforter, whom I slowly recognise as Katherine.
Being held seems to fuel my emotions and now I’m once more desperately needing to feel loved and wanted. Katherine is such a good “mother”. She cradles me and strokes my hair while softly humming little lullabies. There is no anger left now, only the unceasing sadness. The more I cry, the closer I push my body into Katherine until my face is pressed hard against her neck.
I continue to yell out my suffering, the kind only a new born baby feels following the painful expulsion from its mother’s womb. I remain in this distressing state for quite some time. Slowly I begin to calm down, to find that all the wretched despair is now being replaced by a wonderful sense of total peace. It is at this time that I’m becoming aware, probably for the first time ever, of allowing myself to receive and respond to real affection which I never really experienced at any time in my life. My body has become a sponge, soaking up every touch and sound.
Now I am fulfilled, but feeling guilty at how long I’ve been with Katherine, I tell her it’s OK if she wishes to be with someone else who may need her. I give her one last long hug, still absorbing the unfamiliar feeling of being loved. A while later Fiona comes over to me. I’m lying beneath my blanket half asleep after having cried a lot when Katherine left me. I tell Fiona about a lot of shit things which I’ve never discussed with her before. I also ask for Tony, who later sits with me for a few minutes. He then asks me to rest for a while.
Once again, I go under my blanket, only this time I fall into a long deep sleep. By the time I finally wake up it’s 2.30pm. I’m really embarrassed about delaying everyone, but they assure me that it’s OK. Unfortunately, lunch time is very short for Tony, Fiona and my very kind partner, Maureen”.
Following lunch, I drew my Mandala which this time showed a small baby crying, surrounded by the colour blue, which depicted isolation.
We returned to the session room at 3.00pm. I felt very disorientated and worried about my ability to give Maureen the support that she might need. As it turned out she needed quite a lot of assistance during her session, and thankfully I was able to help. Maureen was ready to leave at around 6.30pm.
After tea we returned to the session room at 7.15pm. Following our short meditation we began the long evening discussion, during which I cried a lot when recalling my experience. Everyone was so patient and understanding which was a great help and went a long way towards making me realise that I wasn’t the horrible person I’ve always thought I was. At the end of it all I actually did feel good about myself.
We then held hands for a few moments after which Tony had all of us form a close circle around one person who needed to be hugged by everyone. I think most of us were touched in every sense by that experience.
Later I hugged and thanked everyone who helped make my journey such a fulfilling one, then left at 8.40pm. I arrived home at 9.00pm. absolutely exhausted. Shortly afterwards passed a large blood clot from my vagina and developed period-like pain.
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