Some Insights + Feelings From 19th Holotropic Breathwork Workshop

17th Nov, ’96:
The horrendous sadness that I felt during the session was actually the feelings I should have felt when I was told by my adoptive parents, at six years of age, about my adoption when I was two and a half years old. Because I had completely shut down my feelings from a very early age, I could no longer react to this terrible horror story. Today was the first time in thirty eight years that I could allow myself to feel the pain.

Also, the incident involving my partner moving off her mattress, triggered the same feelings of guilt and inadequacy I felt, but again never expressed, when I witnessed my adoptive mother trying to kill herself at the top of our stairs when I was only about seven or eight years old.

18th Nov, ’96:
Returned to bed around 9.00am. When waking at 12.20pm, suddenly realised that my imaginary friends never really existed and that I’d have to eventually let go of them. That realisation was both physically painful and terrifying.

19th Nov, ’96:
During my therapy session, while discussing above insight (18/11), felt that Sunday’s session has in some way blasted my personality to pieces, liking it to the beginning of the world, the Big Bang. Could this be the BEGINNING of the REAL ME - all the shattered pieces falling together to form my true self?

Also, my fear of thick cables in tunnels, could it be a memory of seeing my umbilical cord while in my mother’s womb? (i.e sunlight shining through the womb might enable the baby to see a hazy image of the cord).