At 9.00am, we all went into the session room for the Naming Ceremony. My angel card was “Forgiveness”. As usual, I chose the names “Ann, Margaret, Ann”. Afterwards, Frances told me that she wanted to breathe in the afternoon as she’d just had her breakfast. The first session of the day began at 9.35am. I was a bit apprehensive about breathing first but felt it was meant to be.
“After the usual ten minutes or so, I begin to yawn and move my head from side to side. Probably around fifteen minutes later, I have this incredible urge to move my body in rhythm to the powerful Indian-type music, and as I do so, I experience moments of total ecstasy, giggling like a young infant. Some of the movements are definitely sensual in their nature, but I’m not aware of feeling any sense of embarrassment, in fact, I allow my body go as far as it wants to, with me moaning and groaning with pleasure. This part of the session seems to last for well over an hour. I’ve already lost my sense of time.
Suddenly, I’m wrenched from my blissful state and thrown headlong into my birth process. Screaming in terror, I begin to push my head as hard as I can against the cushion behind me and as I continue to squirm and yell, I become aware of Katherine’s voice urging me to keep on pushing. I try to keep going but quickly become exhausted, then suddenly out of nowhere comes an incredible anger which gives me the strength to forge ahead.
Screaming at the top of my lungs, I begin to rotate my body while Katherine does an excellent job of simulating a birth canal for me to push through. Eventually I’m out, feeling very vulnerable and sad and needing very much to be comforted.
Seized by an overwhelming terror, my cries become those of a new born baby, terrified by the strange noises and alien surroundings of its new world. In a desperate bid to comfort myself I draw up my left leg as tight as I can around my body, then remain in that position while Katherine cradles me in her arms and makes soothing little noises. I gently rock myself back and forth, also making comforting little sounds to myself. It seems a long time before Katherine eventually leaves me to continue resting on the mattress, all curled up under the warm blanket.
Some time later I begin breathing again. After a while an almighty anger wells up inside me and I start shouting “get out you bastard” over and over until I’m screaming it right up from the depths of my gut.
Suddenly, I’m aware of Suzanne’s voice urging me to keep shouting. I have a desperate need to get rid of something really disgusting in my mouth and put my fingers into it to get it out, making horrible noises as I do so. I realise that this scummy stuff is actually the shite that fucker in the park put down my throat when I was only an eight year old kid.
My screaming is producing lots of mucus at the back of my throat and Suzanne encourages me to spit it up into the basin that Katherine is holding beside me. I feel so filthy and so fucking angry that I want to kill everyone in the room.
Now there is a snake in my belly and it’s wriggling its way up through me. I hate it and want it out. Again, I put my fingers into my mouth in an attempt to pull it up out of me, but the bastard is too far down.
I go over onto my hands and knees and try to gag it up, but I feel so disgusting that I just want to be completely on my own, out of sight of everyone. I’m crying and telling Suzanne about my awful ordeal in the park when I was a child. How that bastard made me hold his prick, then holding my head, forced the fucking thing into my mouth, squirting his venomous filth down my throat. Christ, I’d have to get this shit out of me.
Suzanne offers me some water which I gulp down, then feeling more ashamed than ever, I ask her to tell Frances that I want to be alone. I can’t bear having anyone near me except Suzanne.
The snake in my belly is still trying to slither up my neck and without warning, I’m gripped by an overwhelming urge to puke up this monster. I ask Suzanne if she will take me out to the toilet so that I can be sick with some degree of privacy, as I’m still very conscious of the people around me seeing and hearing my distress. (This is the first time during a session that I confront my fear of people looking at me).
Unsteady on my feet, Suzanne helps me out of the room and into the nearby toilet, where thankfully, no one’s around. What I truly wish is to be alone, but as that’s not possible, I have to tell her that I need to throw up the revolting creature that’s twisting inside me plus all the other shit that was put there against my will.
Again, Suzanne is with me all the way and physically supports me while I ram my fingers down my throat and bring up the little water I’d had earlier on. In between the bouts of violent gagging, I scream and curse with sheer rage at all those responsible for fucking up my entire life. I’m vaguely aware of someone going into the toilet next to me, but I’m in no mood to consider being discreet and continue to retch and cry until, completely exhausted, I finally give up some ten or fifteen minutes later.
Suzanne returns with me to the session room where I curl up on the mattress and allow Frances to cover me up with her duvet. I hug Suzanne and thank her from the bottom of my heart for all her help, then kiss her goodbye as she moves onto another pained soul who’s in desperate need of her love and support.
Lying there in the semi-darkness, I have a sense of having shifted something really huge today, but I’m not quite sure what. I begin to go into a sort of waking dream, with images ranging from pleasant (a small green bush suspended in mid-air with beautiful tiny blue lights dancing all around it; Deirdre standing in the dining room of this great house wearing a fawn coloured duffle coat) to frightening (horrible evil eyes all staring threateningly at me).
I remain resting for about another half hour, aware of the terrible suffering that’s still going on all around me. I feel lucky to be feeling OK now, and after giving Frances a big hug and kiss, I leave at around 1.45pm”.
For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to draw a Mandala, so instead I just sat in the kitchen for a while before having some lunch in the dining room. Around twenty minutes later I returned to the kitchen just for the company. I needed to keep in touch with reality. At around 2.45pm we began preparations for the second session of the day. I was feeling fine.
Frances had an extremely powerful experience, needing me to do a lot of bodywork with her, which I found very fulfilling but also very exhausting. Unlike yesterday, however, I remained in complete control of my emotions right throughout the session, which gave me a great sense of confidence in myself. As Frances wanted to remain alone in the session room, I went off to have my dinner, then returned later to check on Frances, who was by then ready to leave sometime around 7.00pm.
It was close to 9.45pm when we all gathered in the session room for the Cleansing Ceremony. As I still couldn’t bring myself to stand up before everyone, I’d earlier arranged with Suzanne that I would “smudge” my partner at the end of the room. Frances arrived down around 10.00pm and we “smudged” each other as planned. As always, it was a very moving and beautiful occasion.
When that wonderful part of the evening was over, the dancing began. I was fine during the “M People” music, but as soon as they began playing “Sacred Spirit”, I could feel the beginnings of something stirring within me. That, coupled with seeing Katherine move so gracefully, like a magnificent soaring eagle, finally brought about a profound release of all my emotions from the week-end, whereby I completely broke down and just went to absolute pieces. I remained in this state ‘till sometime well after midnight.
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