Went into the session room at 8.55am, where we broke into three small groups. I was in Tony’s group of twelve. We talked about what happened for us last night and how we felt this morning, then we chose our partners. Matthew, was mine and as he wasn’t too fussed about when he would breathe, we decided I should go first. It was a good decision as I had half decided on that earlier in the morning. As we were sorting out our spaces on the floor, Deirdre, our fourth facilitator and former partner of mine, arrived and was warmly received by all who knew her.
The first session started around 10.00am, with Suzanne reading a poem while we all lay on our mattresses, then on tape, she took us through our relaxation exercises. It was all very peaceful. Very soon I was ready to commence my journey:-
“A short while into the breathing, my hands begin to close over on my chest and the usual pins and needles set in. As I descend deeper into the experience, I begin to moan and move about somewhat, then something happens for the very first time in my sessions.
Lying on my back, my hands move upwards towards my neck. Crossing my arms around my throat, I try to strangle myself, not with my fingers, but with the sides of my hands, the pressure against my throat causing me to cough and scream. I continue with this strange behaviour for quite a long time.
Now I’m really choking and begin to spit up gunge into the tissues that Matthew is handing me.
The coughing has become gagging and I instinctively reach out for the basin which Matthew places beside me. As I continue to choke and heave, I become aware of Tony’s voice encouraging me to let out the sounds, and for some reason I become very agitated, even though my gut is going through Hell. I don’t actually throw up, but I certainly manage to clear out a lot of gooey stuff from my chest. When I’m finished, I lie back down and Tony remains with me while I go back into the breathing.
An intense fear overwhelms me as I have a terrifying image of my mother’s glazed eyes staring through me and making awful growling sounds as she corners me near the doorway of our old living room. It is so frightening. I can actually feel the sheer terror that I used to experience during those episodes. My screams are now deafening as Tony continues to encourage me to let out the sounds. This part of the session goes on for a long time until finally exhausted, I curl up on the mattress and just want to be left alone. Before leaving me, Tony suggests that I continue on with the breathing.
My breath and the music (tracks from “The Songs of Distant Earth” and “Sacred Spirit”) now take me into a much happier place than before. I watch in complete awe as a magnificent brown horse and its rider jump over a huge brown fence towards where I’m lying. It seems to happen in slow motion, with no sense of danger to me whatsoever, leaving me in a state of complete ecstasy. I remain in this wonderful state for a long time, after which I rest for a while before leaving the room at around 1.30pm”.
During the lunch break I felt really good and eager to draw my Mandala, which depicted my visions of the brown horse and my mother’s staring eyes. I also tried to show how inside my head was feeling at the time of drawing my Mandala - very much like pieces of broken coloured glass.
We returned to the session room at around 3.30pm. During the early part of Matthew’s session I was in fine form, moving to the music and generally enjoying myself.
Towards the end, as the music became more sombre, I began to quietly cry, hoping Matthew wouldn’t need me. Lucky for me, he had a fairly quiet experience and slept for about an hour towards the end. As the session drew to its conclusion, I found it very difficult to get myself together, although I managed quite well in the end.
During dinner I was not very talkative, choosing just to listen in on conversations rather than joining in them. I felt somewhat sad and disorientated.
At around 9.00pm we returned to the session room for our second small group discussion. It was towards the end of this as people were recalling their painful experiences and especially when one girl who became absolutely ecstatic while describing her wonderful visions, that I was totally overcome by a flood of mixed emotions.
Firstly, I was so happy for the girl that I began to cry along with her, then almost immediately, my joy turned to despair. As we began our short period of meditation, Sarah, who was sitting next to me, placed a pink crystal in my hand, enclosing it with her own hand. I managed to contain myself for a few minutes before completely breaking down.
When the meditation had finished I immediately turned to Sarah who hugged me tightly, then I just wanted to be alone. After a couple of minutes Katherine came over and took me in her arms. It was then that I lost all control and sobbed so hard that it felt like I was going to die from the dreadful sadness that was coming up from the very depths of my being. When I finally recovered a little I began to feel so terribly guilty about upsetting everyone, and then when I found Tony he reassured me that everything was OK. I hugged him, as I needed to be held so much. We all left the room around 10.30pm.
I went straight up to my room where I cried alone for about fifteen minutes, which helped me to feel a lot better.
After that I did some writing, then went down to the kitchen where the atmosphere was very jovial indeed.
Although I still felt very sad, I opened up a lot to one girl in particular and she to me. As the night went on I began to realise how lucky I was to be among so many beautiful people, who although struggling with their own suffering, were ready to help others whenever necessary.
It was around 1.00am when I went back up to my room. Although I was fairly tired, I wasn’t quite ready to sleep, and as I felt my room-mate needed to talk, we stayed up for over an hour and really opened up to each other. I always feel very privileged when someone does that with me. We both did some writing, but I was the first to go to sleep.
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