The first meeting of the three small groups took place in the session room at 9.00am. I missed Tony but looked forward to being in Suzanne’s group. As there were eleven people, I volunteered to go it alone, but Suzanne felt I should have a partner, and as one of the other groups also had an uneven number, Frances, out of Deirdre’s group, was chosen to partner me. Katherine, who was facilitating, was also part of our group.
We finished at 9.45am then got ourselves ready for the first session which started at 10.00am. Both Frances and I decided that I should go first as I was very nervous and just wanted to get it over with.
“Around ten minutes into the breathing I begin yawning and scratching my face. It must be about half an hour later when I begin to remember the feelings associated with being left in hospital by my mother when I was five years old to have my tonsils removed. The anguish is so overwhelming that I begin to cry uncontrollably, my body completely racked from the heart-rending crying.
Now, I have an image of my mother while she herself was in hospital, both during the times when she was reasonably well and shortly before she died. Terrible feelings of guilt surface. I also see her lying there, dead. I’m thrown deeper into my despair, wishing that I too was dead and not having to endure this awful suffering. I need to pee. Frances helps me out to the toilet and when I return I go straight back into the breathing.
A while later I begin to cry again and very soon I’m aware of Katherine lying beside me. She holds me while I continue to sob my heart out. Suddenly, I begin to feel pressure in my lower tummy. She works really hard on it while I scream like Hell into the pain. The discomfort now moves up further into my tummy and begins to feel very much alive. Katherine presses hard to help release it, but I become very nauseous which causes me to gag and spit up into the basin for about twenty minutes. Afterwards I feel a lot better and rest beside Katherine for about an hour. It’s 2.15pm by the time I’m ready to leave”.
After lunch, drew my Mandala of a huge black sadness and a baby trying to come through the birth canal (the latter did not feature in my session).
At 3.45pm we returned to the session room, where Frances had a very powerful experience. Towards the end when Deirdre was working with her, I became very emotional. Sobbed really hard. I was overcome by the wonderful sense of love shown to the breathers by their partners and also deeply moved by the beautiful music. Deirdre hugged me and I cried even more then I lay beside Frances under her duvet and we comforted each other. We left the room at around 7.45pm.
After dinner, which was somewhere around 9.00pm, we returned to the session room with Suzanne for our small group discussion. I comforted Elizabeth for a long time as she was very upset. Finished up at 10.10pm, then went into the kitchen.
Elizabeth, Don and myself got into some very deep discussions and shared quite a lot with each other, bringing us even closer. We talked ‘till 3.30am. After the three of us hugged together, Elizabeth and Don went up to bed (separately!) while I stayed up writing this journal. Eventually, I went to bed at 4.00am.
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