Following the meditation, we then picked our Angel Card. Mine was “surrender”. As with the last Naming Ceremony, I again chose the names, “Ann, Margaret, Ann”. We finished up around 10.00am then got the room ready for the first session of the day, with Margaret being the first to breathe.
It was the most powerful session that I’d ever partnered, and although I was exhausted, I felt so in touch with the adult me and so happy for Margaret, it was overwhelming. She was ready to leave the room at 1.06pm. After I’d made her a cup of tea and tidied up our space, I found I was shaking when I arrived in the kitchen, but God, did I feel so good. Had some salad and rice cakes for lunch, then returned to the session room at 2.45pm for the afternoon performance.
I continued to feel good as I settled down to chat with Margaret about everything, from how new-born babies should be treated by the medical staff, to my feelings about the possibility of a universal sound, similar to the one we all make during a breathwork session. I enthusiastically continued this conversation with Katherine when she briefly joined us.
A few moments later, Tony sat beside me and I told him how nervous I was and how relieved I felt at being able to share my distressing lifelong secrets with him. During the relaxation exercises, I calmed down sufficiently to allow myself be open to whatever and wherever my breathing would take me:-
“After about ten minutes of breathing I begin to shake from head to toe, which lasts for a very long time. On and off during this I go into what I can only describe as short waking dreams, where, at one stage, I visualise my partner, Margaret, as having gone out to have her hair dyed brown, then returning and standing before me. I go straight from that vision into another, followed by others, which for some reason, I can’t remember.
Now I’m aware of talking to myself really fast and getting very giggly, sometimes roaring with laughter. My hands are tingling, my right leg hurts and every few minutes I yawn. The breathing is going really well as it’s going right down into my stomach, something which hasn’t happened for ages.
Sometime later, I develop a sharp pain in my upper gut which leaves me unable to move my body without feeling agonising discomfort. Further into the session, I begin to experience bouts of intense anger which cause me to scream out. From there I begin to cry as I remember the separation from my adoptive mother when I was admitted to hospital at five years of age for a tonsillectomy. I’m really feeling the pain of that separation and it’s tearing me apart. I cry for a long time.
As I’m turning over onto my side I half open my eyes to see Katherine lying beside me. I continue to cry for my mother who has abandoned me in this godforsaken hell-hole. I don’t hate her, I love and miss her. Jesus, how I need her to come back and hold me just for one tiny minute. I choke on my tears.
Arching my back, I push my head as hard as I can into the cushion behind me. Katherine places her hand on my head and I hear her voice urging me to really let out the sounds. There is so much anger in me. Screaming from the depths of my gut, I cough and choke on the gunge that is building up in my throat, until finally, I have to spit it out into the basin.
It is then that I become aware of the massive lump in my stomach which I desperately need to get rid of.
Katherine, recognising my grimace, tells me it’s OK to be sick. Panic of some sort sets in and I instinctively go over onto my hands and knees where I begin to heave up mouthfulls of slimy gunge. Someone, probably Katherine, is holding my forehead and stomach and urging me to get it all out. As there was practically no food in my gut to begin with, my retching is becoming more painful by the minute, and by now I’m suffocating on the vile tasting liquid which has just gushed up through the back of my nose.
After some time I take up a sitting position and rest for a few minutes, before once more being seized by another irresistible urge to throw up. I continue like this for what must be well over an hour. Katherine now has me lie on my back and after I recover somewhat, she tells me she’ll return later.
I return to the breathing and find myself back in my anger, screaming and pounding the mattress with my hands and feet. Exhausted, I rest for a while. A terrible sadness now takes over and I move forward to the foot of the mattress, where in a kneeling position, I begin rocking myself back and forth.
Eventually, I turn onto my back and resume my breathing, which again returns me to my feelings of total despair. I lie there crying, not knowing who or where to turn to for help. After a while Deirdre is beside me inquiring if my body hurts and whether I want to be called Margaret. As soon as she addresses me by that name, I become very sad and cry, without really knowing why.
While Deirdre applies pressure to my head, I scream out in a combination of anger and terror. Suddenly I want to get out but she won’t let me move a bloody inch, so in wild exasperation, I scream “let me out, you fucking bitch”. Deirdre encourages me to keep it going and as I scream and kick, she makes it even more difficult for me to move. I rest for a while.
I’m not sure whether I’ve been reminded to breathe or if I go back into it on my own but somehow I’m back into my rage and frustration.
Deirdre does not give up too easily and for a very long time afterwards, she works really hard with me.
It must be around an hour or so later when Tony asks me if I recognise him, and as it takes me a few seconds to answer, I realise that I’m in a very strange state of mind indeed. It’s as if I’m half pissed and don’t give a shit what’s happening to me. When he asks me where I am and why I’m here, I just start to giggle hysterically and he becomes very stern with me, telling me that he’s serious and needs me to cooperate.
A while later I’m aware of Tony asking me where in my body do I hurt and I tell him, my head and chest. I also tell him about the feeling of my throat closing up. He then begins to apply pressure to my head and neck which causes me to scream out in agony and it’s from here on, that my recollection of events becomes very hazy, so much so, that I can only outline the most profound moments of the remaining session.
For a very long time Tony works really hard on my chest and during this there are moments when I feel that I’m really going to die. Filled with sheer terror, I try my utmost to loosen his hold on both my forehead and throat, but to no avail. He tells me that if I want to get better then I’m going to have to go through the pain. My main memory of those hours is of really screaming my guts out, the dreadful sensation of suffocating and the almost relentless unbearable pain.
Towards the end, when I’ve sort of got myself together and I’m lying on my back, I look up at the ceiling and imagine it’s a huge panelled door about to fall down on top of me. Also I visualise long spidery legs hanging from the roof. I think all of this lasts for only a few seconds, during which time I’m absolutely terrified.
As I slowly begin to come back to reality, a wonderful sense of calm takes over. I feel I’m a new born baby, lying quietly, taking everything in. My body moves in slow motion.
At some point, Tony asks me how I would like to finish the session, so I tell him that I’d like a hug. Both he and Deirdre lie quietly on either side of me, cradling me with their warm bodies, while I just soak up all this wonderful feeling of human contact.
Finally, when Tony and Deirdre feel it’s safe enough for me to leave the room, they help me onto my wobbly feet and walk me out into the corridor, where at first, I have difficulty in adjusting to the bright fluorescent lights. As I’m not one hundred percent sure where I am, I’m slightly freaked out by a small group of people standing talking against the wall. I tell Tony that this place feels like a hospital.
They take me on into the kitchen and seat me at the table, where I glance up at the clock to discover that it’s 9.30pm. Unable to believe my eyes, I ask someone to confirm the time. I’m completely dumbfounded”.
Tony got my dinner from the oven and placed it before me, telling me that afterwards, I should go to bed and that I didn’t have to attend the Cleansing Ceremony. I found the idea of being alone in my bedroom very frightening, besides, I wanted to sit in on that very special ceremony, even though I felt unable to take part. I ate a few small pieces of roast potato and had a cup of herb tea, after which I felt a tiny bit better. My partner Margaret, Sarah and Katherine stayed with me for a while, then we headed off to the session room for the beautiful Cleansing celebration.
As I didn’t feel up to taking part in the “smudging” ceremony in front of everybody, I asked Katherine if she could “smudge” both myself and Margaret separately, and she willingly obliged. I remained at the back of the room where I felt fairly inconspicuous and listened to the enchanting singing of a very old Native American Indian (on tape!). It was in great wonderment that I watched as each set of partners tenderly “cleansed” each other in turn with the “smudge” stick.
Immediately following the ceremony, the dancing began, but on this occasion I would sit it out, content with being just a spectator.
Curled up on a bean bag, still feeling very spaced out and weak, I gazed in absolute amazement at the intense energy of everyone, including Suzanne, as they danced and frolicked around with huge balloons. Later, Suzanne came over and talked with me for a few minutes. I told her how bewildered I was feeling and gave her lots of hugs.
Over the following half hour or so, lots of people, including Deirdre, Katherine and Margaret sat with me briefly and I hugged them all. At around 12.00am, feeling extremely tired and slightly frightened, I decided to trade the vibrant disco sounds of the session room for the peace and tranquillity of my bedroom. Well, that had been my intention.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment