Some Insights + Feelings From 26th/27th Holotropic Breathwork Workshops

18th April, 1997:
During session, when dealing with the disturbing, seemingly sexual thing, I became aware that the sense of exposure I felt during my ordeal has lasted throughout my life. (Feeling exposed when my hall door is open, when not wearing a heavy coat out walking, etc).

21st April, 1997:
Dreamed that three adolescent boys surrounded me on a dark street. I couldn't see their faces because it appeared like they had an invisible covering over the lower half of their face, their eyes were blank. I knew they were going to rape me. I froze with absolute terror.

22nd April, 1997:
Dreamed that a huge spider was crawling all over the wall behind my bed while I was lying in it but every time I tried to see it, it vanished. I just knew it was there.

24th April, 1997:
Dreamed that Tony put up a hand-written note on blue paper on a wall in one of the centres saying that if I didn't settle the two outstanding balances of £70 each, I could no longer participate in the weekend sessions as it was putting a lot of strain on Suzanne because she had to arrange for others to pay my share. I was devastated (in reality, I don't owe money to anyone).

26th April, 1997:
Could the medication I was given while attending a psychiatric hospital back in 1973/74 be responsible for my first contact, in a dream, with my power animal which is a black panther? Also, around that time had a very frightening dream about trains and tunnels. (The medication was to bring my subconscious to the surface).

9th May, 1997:
Returned to bed 9.00am. Within minutes began to go into a strange state where I felt a definite connection between what's coming up in my recent sessions and possible past life experiences. Very strong urge to die due to a combination of knowing that I shouldn't have been born in the first place and also something to do with almost dying whilst being born. Terrible need to return to England as I feel that's where I lived and died in a previous life.

12th May, 1997:
My desire to return to England is so strong it's physically painful. Want to have my ashes spread somewhere there. Rang Tony. He explained that my strange feelings are actually healing me and not to give in to sudden desires. Around 10.30pm, bad indigestion. Later, violent nausea. Couldn't go to be 'till 1.15am as I was sitting on the loo for over half an hour because I couldn't move with the dreadful nausea.

18th May, 1997:
Became very upset when I remembered how my mother would massage the top of my vagina in order to help me insert my anti-fungal cream applicator which I had to use every so often. I was around sixteen years old at the time. Even though I hated her for touching me I still couldn't tell her to stop, especially when she'd ask me if it was nice. I was so embarrassed. I also became upset when remembering my father's comments about my breasts and periods.

I found it so embarrassing when they would laugh while discussing sex and body parts with me in a most disgusting manner. I hated them for doing that to me. The sad thing was I don't think they saw any harm in it at all, it was not their intention to embarrass me.

19th May, 1997:
Over the past few days I've had what felt like a bad dose of 'flu, during which time my temperature, at one point, went up to over 102 degrees. That night I had a very vivid memory of playing with a couple of children in the avenue where I lived as a child. I could clearly see how one child, a younger sister of my friend, wore her hair. It was in double plaits which were tied together at the bottom. She was wearing a multi-coloured cardigan. I was about seven years old.

This evening began to clearly remember a dream I had about my childhood hometown when I was around fifteen or sixteen years old. It was like reliving the dream all over again. Even the colours were exactrly the same. Is it possible my high temperature triggered my subconscious?