After breakfast we went into the session room at 9.00am for the first of the small group introductions. There were eleven participants in our group which was facilitated by Suzanne and Katherine. John asked me to be his partner.
The morning session got started at 10.05am with John breathing first. He completed his journey by 12.55pm and was ready to leave the room by 1.50pm.
After lunch we returned to the session room at 3.15pm. As always, I was very nervous, pacing around, hugging everyone in sight and generally dreading the afternoon. By 3.30pm we were all settled ready for take off.
"My breathing is going really well, straight down into my tummy but after a while I'm aware of the familiar band tightening across my mid-stomach, which this time doesn't interrupt my breathing. Another thing I'm very aware of is the coldness of the air going down into my lungs.
Now my hands begin to move over onto my tummy and I start to yawn and rock my head from side to side. Around half an hour later I go right into my sadness. I begin to push someone off me crying "No, please don't" over and over. I continue with this terrible ordeal until whoever it is completely takes over and I'm left totally helpless. I lie with my legs wide apart and hands stretched out crying and begging the person or people to stop. Evil eyes appear out of nowhere and stare menacingly at me. The whole thing lasts quite a long time.
Sometime later I ask John to get help and soon afterwards, Deirdre arrives. I go into incredible anger screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking out in all directions. Then feeling my body is going to explode I tell Deirdre and she encourages me to let that happen. It all comes out in more explosive rage. Now I feel all that shit in my gut and get Deirdre to press hard on it. Again I scream with every ounce of strength I've left but it's no good, it won't budge.
I return to my sadness, sobbing and choking on my tears then after a long time I tell Deirdre I'm OK. I also tell John to go for his dinner. Sometime later Fiona asks how I am and immediately I break down, desperately needing Michael and Suzanne to hold me. I'm told neither are available right now but they'll come as soon as they can. I tell Fiona that I think I've experienced my natural mother's rape. (I've no evidence to suggest that she was raped other than that she was forty one when I was conceived, she never informed my father of the pregnancy and he went to work in England before I was born).
By the time Suzanne arrives I'm so hysterical I can't even let her hold me for any length of time. I'm like a distraught toddler whose just found his mother after being lost for ages. A few minutes later I abruptly pull away from Suzanne begging to be let die because I'm so sad. Eventually I return to her arms and she holds me so close. I calm down and tell her about my crazy adoptive mother. It's just so good being held. I remain with Suzanne until I'm ready to leave the room at 7.50pm".
After drawing my Mandala, I had some dinner. At around 9.00pm we returned to the session room for the small group sharing, where at times, I found the terrible sense of sadness quite difficult to cope with. We left the room at 10.50pm and before I went into the kitchen I got a hug from Suzanne and Katherine, then outside, I got one from Deirdre.
When I arrived in the kitchen, Jane, Gerard and Noel were already seated at the table. I sat away from them for a good while writing up my journal but also because I was too upset to get involved in the conversation. Later I did join them and again we shared very deeply which was beautiful. The guys went up to bed at 4.00am and Jane and myself headed off up at 4.25am.
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