Closing Day - Sunday 25/5/1997

Slept 'till 6.30am then went back to sleep 'till 7.30am. Got up 8.00am. Didn't feel like taking a shower. After breakfast drew my Mandala which depicted the two healing aspects of the session (yesterday's) - the healing light and Shamanic journey.

At 10.00am went into the session room for small group sharing. It got going at 10.20am. I was fine 'till the very end when two distressed partners hugged each other. I just erupted into almost hysterical sobbing and later found hugging the group very painful but also very comforting.

After lunch I was on wash-up duty with Don, Una plus a couple of others. I happened to mention that I'm sometimes very slow at doing things, in a way I was jokingly jeering myself. We had made our way through most of the dishes when a member of the kitchen staff passed a remark something like "would you mind if I took over because your're a bit slow and if you haven't finished by the time you go back inside, I'll be left to do it".

At first I laughed it off but then the true realisation set in, that I'd been publicly humiliated and made feel incompetent. If she had kicked me in the teeth it wouldn't have physically hurt so much. I was thrown straight back into feelings both from my childhood and indeed adulthood of being totally stupid and irresponsible.

I began to quietly cry as I continued to wash up. When she returned and found me upset she immediatley realised that she had hurt me deeply and brought me outside to the small back yard. I instantly felt that this event was meant to happen to put me back in touch with those painful episodes in my life. I spent most of the time comforting her because she was very upset at what she'd said and in the end I repeatedly thanked her for granting me the opportunity to once again feel that pain and hopefully begin the process of healing it.

When I returned to the session room Una sat beside me and it was then that I completely went to pieces. I was so distraught I had to leave the room and wandered up and down the corridor in a state of total shock. Eventually I went back into the room where Jane asked me to sit beside her then took me in her arms. Every so often I totally broke down then recovered. During the Closing Ceremony I offered everyone my "healing light".

After tidying up and saying my goodbyes I got a lift with Don and Sally (the stunningly beautiful lady). During the journey I felt fairly OK. Don drove us to Sally's house. By then I was feeling very spaced out. She invited us in for a cup of tea and we gratefully accepted her kind offer. Even while in Sally's house I felt that I might do or say something wrong and was still very close to tears.

Again during the journey home with Don I felt so inadequate when guiding him to my house. Arrived home 8.00pm Felt OK when describing the weekend to my husband. By 10.00pm I was really freaked and told him about the incident in the kitchen. I felt so sad I just wanted to die. Went straight to bed and cried for ages.