At 9.00am we all went into the session room for the Naming Ceremony and my fairy card was "Freedom". The first session of the day got going at 9.55am with John again breathing first. This morning's music was chosen by Deirdre who also did the relaxation exercises. The music was wonderful and I moved to most of it except towards the end of the session when I became very distressed. I did my usual rocking and cried for what seemed like ages. Luckily for John he didn't need any assistance from me. He was ready to leave the room at 1.55pm.
When I went into the kitchen I got a strong feeling not to eat lunch, only to have some water. As I felt I was being guided in this I followed the instruction. We returned to the session room at 3.15pm. For some strange reason this time I wasn't a bit nervous. I talked with Don for a while then rested on the mattress while chatting to John on and off. My body felt very relaxed as I allowed Suzanne's gentle tone of voice wash over me. The afternoon session began at 3.30pm.
"After about five minutes I'm aware my breathing is going really well. The familiar pins and needles now become more intense than ever before and my hands move over onto my tummy. Around half an hour later, what seems like bolts of electricity, rush through my arms down into my hands and I slowly raise them up around my head feeling a tremendous energy flowing between them and it.
Suddenly I'm aware of a beautiful yellow light hovering directly over me and I gently take it in my cupped hands. I now slowly guide this light down my throat towards my heart but as soon as it reaches this area I can't allow it go any further and begin to sob uncontrollably.
Over and over I repeat this procedure until I finally accept the fact that I'm not yet ready to receive this healing.
Now my body is moving in perfect rhythm to the strong drumming music. I'm in total ecstasy as I lie, legs wide open, tilting my pelvis and making very erotic gentures with my hands, it's as if I'm inviting the world and its mother to publicly fuck me. I'm not sure what this triggers but I suddenly feel the need to pee. Sitting on the loo I realise it's not a very urgent need after all. When I return I try to go back into the breathing but I'm overcome by an intense anger.
After a while I abruptly sit up demanding that someone come immediately to help me. Within a couple of minutes Jenny introduces herself and enquires where my body hurts. As always I'm aware of the pain in my upper gut and I place her hand on it. She now gets me to lie down and begins to apply pressure to it. As I scream and kick in wild anger Jenny is encouraging me to really let go. At times it feels like I'm telling her to fuck off but really I don't know who it's actually directed at.
It seems around ten minutes later that I begin to feel my constant need throw up the disgusting shit which always seems connected to my childhood sexual abuse. Sudden gagging sends me over onto my hands and knees, and having eaten nothing since breakfast, my violent retching produces nothing more than the small amount of water I'd drunk earlier on. After what seems like ages of painful spewing up of that bastard's filth and all the rage that goes with it, I finally lie down, completely exhausted from my ordeal.
A slight shift in my position brings about a dreadful nausea which causes me to again gag forcefully and as there's nothing to come up I ask Jenny for some water.
While in my kneeling position I have a sudden vision of Michael in a field pulling open the entrance to an underground tunnel. As soon as this cover is removed a river of disgusting grey fluid rushes out and my black panther tells me it's OK to be sick.
Within seconds my gut is violently heaving up the water while Jenny holds my head over the basin and I press her hand deep into my stomach. Her voice is so soothing and her hands so gentle. There are moments when I wish I could die in order to relieve this terrible agony.
After I lie back down I'm aware of Jenny asking John to empty the basin which makes me feel guilty about causing him that trouble. Everything seems to be fine for a good while then another wave of nausea grips me and I'm back up on all fours spewing up more of the vile tasting liquid which so much resembles semen in every way. Its revolting taste causes me to heave several times long after I finish being sick.
It's at this point that I explode into the most overwhelming rage, screaming and thumping my fists into the mattress, while shouting obscenities in all directions. I tell everyone to fuck off and get out of my sight. Totally distraught I collapse face down sobbing my guts out while pleading with God to help me.
Jenny remains with me gently stroking my back and generally being very comforting then asks if it's OK for Ellen to be with me for a while. Before she leaves I give her a big hug and kiss. Again, she asks John to empty my basin.
I lie curled up on the mattress unable to move because of the dreadful nausea. Ellen lies beside me. Every so often I moan in agony and she slowly strokes my head, speaking softly to me as though I am a young child. Eventually I feel well enough to lie in her arms and soon afterwards we're joined by Suzanne who then takes over from Ellen.
On hearing how sick I've been Suzanne offers me some Rescue Remedy but I vigorously resist any attempt to help me. After placing my head on Suzanne's chest, my thumb searches and finds my mouth, then I drift off into a semi-conscious state of bliss. I'm aware of the awful sounds around me and of Suzanne and Ellen's voices but I don't really connect with any of them. I'm very much in the mind of a new born baby.
After what seems a very long time I'm ready to let Suzanne move away but Ellen remains with me. Katherine now arrives and lies beside me. With both of them close to me I begin to chat in a kind of drunken manner which often happens when I've completed a long hectic session. We have a good laugh. I'm ready to leave the room at around 8.20pm".
Suzanne very kindly left me into the kitchen where I collected some dinner then joined Don in the dining room. Emotionally,I felt very energised but physically, I felt shit. I definitely didn't feel like drawing my Mandala, so instead after I'd had a small amount of dinner, I went upstairs to get ready for the Cleansing Ceremony.
We all arrived in the session room at 9.30pm. Some women, in particular, a lovely woman in her early seventies, look absolutely stunning. I envied them all. One thing I did feel fairly OK about though was getting out on the floor again to "smudge" my partner. I'm beginning to get used to this. As always, I was deeply moved by the beautiful ceremony.
Afterwards I felt very drained and wasn't in any mood for dancing though I did get into the music and enjoyed watching everyone just letting themselves go. A while later, still resting against a bunch of bean bags, I began to feel a little better, so sitting more upright, I played mock drums on my knees in rhythm to the hypnotic African sounds. I had fun with this for ages until I became very tired again.
People were coming over trying to get me up to dance but I felt too awful to budge. It was exactly like suffering from motion sickness, one small move would have had me puking everywhere. I curled up against a bean bag and after a while Katherine covered me with a duvet. Shortly afterwards I fell asleep.
When I finally woke up the music had stopped. Michael, Katherine plus a couple of others were packing up and getting ready for bed. I felt a tiny bit better and glancing at the clock in the session room, realised it was 1.00am. I needed to tell Michael about my Shamanic journey during my session so when he'd put his things away in the little room beside the session room I went through the whole experience with him. Afterwards he gave me a big hug.
Went straight into the kitchen. Shortly afterwards began to feel very nauseous again and found it difficult to talk with anyone. Several times while I was talking with Noel I felt I was going to puke and had to tell him so.
Later I began to feel a lot better and by that time the intimate sharing had begun again. It was beautiful. We then finished washing up the left-over dinner delph and headed off up to bed at 4.00am.
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