There were ten participants including myself. The introductions and meditation started around 9.25am after which Sarah and I chose each other as partners. As Sarah wanted to breathe in the afternoon, I felt I was meant to breathe first. I found that a bit unnerving. After setting up camp in my favourite corner, I settled down to begin my journey at 10.10am.
"After a few minutes of breathing I begin to yawn and scratch my face and neck. This continues for a good while before moving my hands up onto my tummy and generally becoming slightly agitated. Sometime later I begin to move my head and while initially letting out a few shouts I then suddenly scream out from my guts and go into an intense rage which seems to last forever.
From there I begin to have terrible feelings of sadness where I'm aware of having let so many people hurt me during my life, these people include my adoptive parents. I scream and curse them, hating them for all the physical and emotional pain they've caused me all those years. I cry for a while. Now I'm dying to pee and while Sarah helps me out to the loo, I'm aware I'm actually staggering, almost as though I'm pissed.
When I return to the room I try to get back into the breathing but it just doesn't seem to happen. Eventually I go into some kind of birth stuff and soon I'm aware of Tony beside me urging me to keep breathing. I don't know what's happening but I tell him to fuck off and leave me alone, then scream at him, trying to push him away.
I want to leave the room altogether. I've so much anger inside me I'm too angry to breathe. Tony gets really firm with me and it's then I try my best to co-operate.
After breathing for a few minutes I return to all my rage, screaming and kicking and really putting up quite a fight. I feel I want to cry but for some reason, I can't. Shortly afterwards the familiar pain in my gut begins and when I tell Tony he presses really hard on it while I roar out my obscenities. Now the pain is in my lower tummy and as pressure is applied to that I once again erupt into a frenzied rage which, by the time it finally abates, leaves me totally drained.
At some point later Tony asks how my body feels and I tell him I think I'm OK. He suggests I rest for a while and tells me he will return later to check me and if necessary do some more work with me. Just after that I tell Sarah it's OK for her to go to lunch. I then curl up on the mattress and cover my head with the blanket feeling very confused.
I don't really know why I'm reacting so angrily to all the suffering going on around me and at one stage I actually shout at some poor soul to shut up. I'm fighting really hard to prevent myself from getting up and kicking someone to death. After a while I calm down a little and when one of the "sitters" comes over to see how I am, I ask her for some water. For some reason I'm very thirsty and over the course of about twenty minutes I drink several cups of the stuff.
I'm finding it very difficult to settle in any one position so toss and turn quite a bit in an attempt to ease my emotional discomfort. After Sarah returns, I decide I don't want to remain in the room any longer so I leave at around 2.00pm feeling absolutely shattered".
When I sat down to draw my Mandala I had a total blank. Nothing. A few moments later another girl came in to do her drawing and I began talking nonsense to her then I suddenly jumped up telling her I had to get out of there. Sat on the floor in the kitchen nibbling at some rice cakes. Later, I talked with Don for a few moments.
By the time we returned to the session room at 2.50pm I was feeling really sick. The afternoon session started around 3.10pm but very soon afterwards I developed a stabbing pain in the left side of my forehead. It lasted throughout the session along with the awful nausea. Sarah had a very powerful experience but thankfully I was able to help when needed.
As I didn't know the time for the remainder of the evening, I'm guessing it was around 6.30pm when Tony sent me for a break and when I returned about fifteen minutes later, it felt so good to be able to comfort Sarah. After she ws settled in the Mandala room I returned to the kitchen to finish my coffee.
At around 7.30pm we returned to the session room for our group sharing. It was during this that I began to realise that I still hadn't properly come out of my own experience. Also, I still had the headache and nausea. When I began to share I became very upset and found it difficult to speak so Tony suggested we talk afterwards. We probably finished up around 8.30pm.
After I'd stacked up a lot of cushions I saw Tony standing in the middle of the room. When I went over to him for a hug I immediately broke down. I was so aware of how, all my life, I'd let people hurt me and this insight brought about feelings of anger and sadness. I sobbed uncontrollably telling Tony I needed to scream while also desperately aware that this wasn't the time or place to do so. He asked if I would like to do more work and eventually I agreed to give it a try. I was so distressed I couldn't even make a simple decision. Just as the last people were leaving Tony got me to sit on the floor where I completely went to pieces.
I've no memory of seeing who was last to leave the room but I was later told it was Sarah. My state of mind at that stage resembled that of someone totally pissed with no awareness of anything or anybody other than myself and my sadness. Unfortunately, as I was so completely out of it, the following account of my "extended session" contains only the more dramatic elements of my experience.
"After I lay down on the mattress I showed Tony where my head hurt. He got me to breathe and almost immediately I was straight back into my screaming, kicking and cursing. I clearly remember being very angry at my (now deceased) adoptive mother and calling her a "fucking cunt" (a term which I would normally never use).
I think it was Fiona's hands which cupped my head, forcing me to yell and push hard against the pressure. As I continued to scream I began to feel very nauseous and desperately tried to resist the awful urge to retch. One of them then told me it was OK to be sick. My behaviour became very childlike moaning and groaning about my tummy hurting.
As in my morning session I began to feel the terrible discomfort in my upper gut and once again I forced Tony's hand deep into the pain. After a few moments of pressure I erupted into another fit of rage then suddenly I couldn't breathe.
While Tony worked hard on my throat and tummy the choking sensation worsened and I honestly thought I was going to die. I screamed at someone to let me out and as I went deeper into the experience I again began to feel very sick. Desperately trying not to choke I fought to escape from the terrifying grip of whatever was holding me back but overcome by nausea I bolted over onto my hands and knees and began to dry retch which became very painful after a while.
I don't remember who was with me during this disgusting episode but when I'd finally recovered Tony got me to like back down on the mattress. No sooner had I started back into the breathing when I was up on all fours again feeling really bad but unable to bring up anything as I hadn't eaten all day. I was in absolute agony.
Several times, following each of my bouts of unproductive heaving I screamed in crazed anger wanting to lash out at everyone and everything in sight. At one point I rammed my fingers down my throat and puked up thick white yukky-tasting gunge.
Around this time there was a knock on the door which completely panicked me into thinking it was my adoptive mother coming to punish me for being late. I was terrified and clung onto Fiona for dear life. She really had her work cut out trying to bring me back to reality but eventually I began to return to some degree of normality.
I remember Tony saying "hello tiger" which made me laugh. For a while I felt like a new born baby breathing for the first time and trying to familiarise myself with my new surroundings. At some point I was standing up and became very dizzy so Tony got me to kneel back on my heels which helped stabilise me somewhat. Later, when he asked me to kneel upright and breathe deeply I suddenly felt very sick. I was also still having a problem with my breathing but it was nothing to what it had been".
Eventually I was well enough to think about going home. I felt really guilty about delaying Tony and Fiona but they reassured me saying that they were glad that I'd been able to complete my process. The three of us left the Centre at 10.00pm with Fiona very kindly leaving me right to my hall door. By then it was 10.30pm. Twice our dog became very distressed, howling and walking away from me which was really strange indeed. I had a couple of small potatoes and a cup of Camomile tea but I still felt in a complete state of shock, able only to sit staring into space for ages. Eventually I went to bed at 11.30pm.
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