Some Insights + Feelings From 25th Holotropic Breathwork Workshop

18th Mar, ’97:
I am slowly beginning to accept that maybe I do have an eating disorder and the desire to do something about it is becoming stronger. This acceptance may be arising out of last Sunday’s session.

23rd Mar, ’97:
Disturbing dream about working in a bank where Tony was my boss. Had terrible difficulty in filling out my first customer’s application form for something or other. Got it all wrong. When on my morning break was searching for a loo as I desperately needed to shit. All the cubicles were open-plan, but I needed privacy.

1st Apr, ’97:
At around 2.30pm suddenly became very tired. Slept for about one and a half hours. Dreamed of being in a very tight tunnel, barely able to move, with a huge spider trying to crawl over me. Was so terrified, I wanted to die.

During the night, more dreams about spiders trying to get me.

3rd Apr, ’97:
Cramps and runny guts. Dreadful nausea.

4th Apr, ’97:
As yesterday, only worse.

5th Apr, ’97:
Feels like glands in neck are swollen. Cramps and runs. Am I reliving childhood pain?.

6th Apr, ’97:
Headache, cramps, runs, nausea, body aching.

7th Apr, ’97:
Slight improvement on yesterday, except for violent nausea around mid-day, lasting around one hour. Slept for about twenty minutes.

Could my fear of spiders’ legs stem from momentarily glimpsing my mother’s open legs immediately following my birth?.

(image of mother’s open legs)               (spider)

Very bad night’s sleep due to severe upper tummy pain. Lay awake in absolute agony for ages, then eventually when sleep did arrive, had nightmare about the bridge, close to where I lived as a child, opening up as I’m crossing it. Positively terrifying. (Even though my husband was with me, I crossed the bridge alone!).

16th Apr, ’97:
Dreamed I was in Paris where a Chinese girl booked me into a brothel. We all had to take our turn out on the street, but I didn’t want to be with any men, (they were also Chinese). Begged girl to withdraw my name. Afraid a man would trace me back to Ireland and kill me.

Also dreamed I was in my old flat. Giant spider’s web. Big spider chasing me around the room through its web. I was running backwards.