There were only ten participants, including myself.
The meditation and introductions began at 9.25pm, followed by the very short break during which we choose our partners. Today, Ciara and I chose to work with each other, with she being first to breathe.
The first session got going around 9.45am. Ciara didn’t really need much assistance from me and completed her session at 1.25pm. She was ready to leave the room at 1.40pm.
Following lunch, we returned to the room at 2.00pm for the afternoon session. For some reason, I wasn’t as nervous as usual, and immediately relaxed as soon as I lay on the mattress. Feeling good after the exercises, I then waited to see where my breath and the music would take me:-
“After about ten minutes of breathing, I begin to move my head slowly from side to side, clawing at my neck and hair. Shortly afterwards I start to move around, making sporadic angry sounds, but continuing with the breathing in between. Also, there are times when I feel slightly nauseous, but it quickly passes.
Somewhere around three quarters of an hour into the session, it feels like I’m trying to be born, then all Hell breaks loose. Wild anger erupts and I completely explode, screaming and shouting “fuck” at everyone and everything.
Someone is pressing my head and neck as I lie on my belly trying to push my head through a cushion, while at the same time kicking and stamping my feet wildly. This goes on for probably well over an hour.
Again, I have moments when I feel like I’m going to puke, but also I’m getting dreadful attacks of heartburn and my stomach is full of wind. I desperately need to fart but when I try I can’t, the discomfort sending me even deeper into my rage. Still screaming and thumping my feet into the mattress, I suddenly sit up, totally out of control, and eventually realise that Fiona is sitting beside me.
Almost immediately, I develop an agonising pain in my upper gut and frantically search for Fiona’s hand so as I can press it into the pain. I feel if I don’t soon get pressure on this thing, I’m going to die. She asks me to lie down on my back, then begins to locate the painful area under my left rib, but because I need so much pressure on it, I grab her hand and force it deep into my gut, as far as it will go. While doing this, I’m screaming “fuck off” and “shut up” although I’m not exactly sure who this verbal attack is directed at. At times it feels like it’s being triggered by the terrible sounds of suffering all around me.
Again, this stage of my session lasts for quite a long time and a while after my anger has subsided, someone offers me water which I gratefully accept.
Now I’m consumed by an overwhelming sadness for no apparent reason and I begin my familiar gut-wrenching cries which rip through my body, leaving me shattered and sick with despair. Fiona is with me throughout all of this and remains with me for quite some time, even after I’ve settled down. After she leaves Ciara covers me up with the blanket and still feeling very sad, I curl up underneath it and continue to cry quietly to myself before drifting off into a light sleep.
When I wake up, I’m aware of Tony sitting beside me. He tells me that I’ve done really well and how good it was to see me in my anger.
Nevertheless, while he’s saying all this, I’m feeling waves of intense rage bubbling up inside me which I want to let explode out all over the room, particularly at the two women yelling their guts out beside me. However, I manage to restrain myself, feeling that I’ve discharged enough shit for one day.
Around ten minutes later I’m ready to leave. It is 5.30pm”.
I went straight into the small room to draw my Mandala and was surprised at the speed with which the images came to me. I coloured the whole inside of the circle red to depict the incredible anger I felt during my session. I also allowed my anger to move outside the circle.
The strangest thing was that I drew a tiny blue baby with its umbilical cord attached to this fury, then realised the feelings were connected to my frustrating attempts to be born. Also I understood that some of my rage, during the session, was directed at Fiona as she was encouraging me to let out the sounds.
When I’d finished my Mandala and wrote up some of my experience, I went down to the kitchen, where a lot of people were already eating and generally having a good old chat. I didn’t really contribute to any of the conversations.
After tea we returned to the session room at around 6.00pm for the final meditation and group discussion. I felt good in myself and supportive to others. Later, I asked Fiona who’d been with me in the early part of my session, and she told me, Tony, then herself.
Following the tidying up, I hugged some of the people I felt closest to, including my partner, Ciara. I also hugged and thanked Fiona and Tony for their help in getting me through today, then left at 7.25pm. Arrived home 7.35pm.
As I was tired and not very hungry or talkative, I remained in the kitchen for some time just relaxing and listening to some music. During those moments of quiet reflection, I had a wonderful sense of having worked through a huge amount of feelings today, which I know is another very positive step down the road towards complete healing. After a little chat with my husband and the boys and a nice hot cup of camomile tea, I went to bed at 10.00pm.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment