Went into session room at 8.50am. The small group (13) sharing began around 9.10am and finished at 9.45am. Brian asked me last night to be his partner. The first session got going at 10.15am with him breathing. It was a great privilege to be able to help Brian and the facilitators. I cried towards the end when witnessing the love shown between the breathers and sitters and the facilitators for each other. Left the room 2.00pm.
After lunch, returned to the session room at 3.15pm for 3.30pm. I was so nervous I had to keep walking around. Eventually I calmed down and the afternoon session started at 3.45pm.
“After a while I develop a pain in my left shoulder, which is followed by the usual pins and needles in my hands. Then begins the shaking and yawning. Around forty five minutes, I become very agitated and begin to move. A short while later Katherine is behind me. I’m pushing my head into a cushion which eventually takes me into an intense anger, which in turn, leads me into some form of abuse. Grabbing Katherine’s hand, I press it forcefully against my vagina and begin to scream with absolute rage. Feel I’ve been violated. Realise this is responsible for needing to hide myself all my life. Scream “God help me” several times. Afterwards, Katherine leaves me to rest for a while.
Still lying curled up on the mattress, I suddenly begin to feel very nauseated. When Katherine returns I tell her I’m sick and she encourages me to go back into the breathing.
Almost immediately I begin to cough violently, spitting up lots of mucus, then the most frightening thing happens - I can’t catch my breath.
I start to choke. A massive blockage prevents me from breathing down beyond my throat. Terrifying. After a few minutes, Suzanne joins Katherine to help me. I now go over onto my hands and knees and continue to make horrible choking noises as I still struggle to breathe beyond my throat. Every so often I scream “I can’t breathe”, then go into a complete panic.
While Suzanne exerts pressure on my throat, I cough and gag forcefully in an effort to clear my chest, but it’s no good. I feel I’m not going to survive this, and at times, wish I could die. Now I’ve a sharp pain in the top of my head, and again, while Suzanne applies pressure to it, I continue my desperate struggle to breathe.
After a while air seems to be getting through down into my lungs and with joyous relief, I collapse on the floor, gasping and sucking in air like my actual life depended on it. Now all my physical discomfort begins to ease and I become a child, playful, touching in turn, the noses of Suzanne, Katherine and Brian, giggling exactly like a two year old. I have a great sense of being safe and loved, with a strong need to be taken care of. I am happy in my perfect little world.
Needing to rest, I curl up on the mattress, while someone covers me with the blanket. I drift in and out of a light sleep, then eventually leave the room at 8.00pm”.
After dinner, returned to the session room at 9.15pm for small group discussion. While describing my own experience, I realised I felt totally disconnected from the events of the session. Although I didn’t go into the intimate sexual details, I spoke about the overall traumatic experience as though I were discussing the weather.
We finished up around 10.30pm, then retired to the kitchen, where some of us remained ‘till 1.30am, then went straight to bed.
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