At around 9.20am we began the meditation and introductions, after which Luke chose me as his partner. Following our decision that I would sit in the morning, the first session got going at 10.00am.
Luke needed very little help from me and was ready to leave the room at 12.35pm. For a while I had lunch on my own which I found very relaxing. Later, I was joined by Luke and we had a long chat, then everyone else arrived and things livened up. We returned to the room where the afternoon session began at 2.10pm. I’d been very anxious for the past few days, but as soon as I started the relaxation exercises, I knew everything would be fine. It was time to begin my journey:-
“Around ten or fifteen minutes into the breathing I begin to yawn, moving my hands up onto my chest. A few moments later my body starts to shake and jerk violently, then I become aware of a strong pressure on my lower tummy. Following on from that, I now begin my familiar baby movements, clawing at my face and head and making little sucking noises.
After about thirty minutes or so the breathing begins to present some problems and within minutes Tony is beside me, providing encouragement by breathing along with me.
Almost immediately I go into my anger telling, I think, Tony to “fuck off” and “get away from me”. This continues for quite some time with me struggling to get free and at times, demanding to leave the room. A short while later Tony has to leave me but assures me he will return.
The following few moments are very hazy, then at some point I go over onto my hands and knees, vigorously resisting a kind gesture of help from Luke. The next thing I’m aware of is sitting upright, rocking violently to and fro. I’ve no idea how long this goes on for, but I know I suddenly open my eyes and I’m very frightened.
Again, the next stage is blank, but sometime later it feels like I’m out in the middle of the floor, drugged to the eyeballs, with the life slowly draining out of me. The whole space around me is filled with a brilliant white light. After I tell Tony that I don’t exist, he tells me to stay with that feeling. (Although I’ve no memory of what happens next, I’m sure I didn’t pass out).
Now I return to the breathing with renewed energy and find myself straight back in the anger. My screams are coming from somewhere very deep inside as images of my father standing over me, leather strap in hand, send me into uncontrollable rage. I continue with this guttural yelling until I’m forced to spit out the yukky sludge which continuously fills my mouth from screaming.
After some time I begin to feel a terrible discomfort in my chest which causes me to shout out in pain. While Tony applies pressure to it I start to scream, then I launch into the familiar rapid babbling sound which always happens when I become deeply distressed. Again I return to the anger and this time my sound is that of an enraged animal whose snarling and deep growling becomes a very threatening noise. Tony really encourages me to keep that sound going.
Suddenly, while apparently drowning in a swimming pool, unable to breathe and struggling to surface, I mumble “water, water” to Tony, hoping he will understand what’s happening.
He reassures me over and over that I’m totally safe now and won’t stop breathing and presses his hand on my throat to encourage full release of this memory. I cough and choke in total panic, feeling that I’m really not going to come out of this alive. After I calm down Tony leaves me for a while, again reassuring me he will return.
As the music becomes more soulful I begin to sink into a terrible sadness and while quietly crying, I keep my hands over my face as if trying to hide from everyone. After a few minutes I’m aware of someone gently touching my head and shoulder and it’s then that I completely break down, sobbing inconsolably. Realising the person beside me is Tony, I turn towards him and allow myself to really let go into the sadness. As he holds me I cry out all my painful shit, which includes the physical and sexual abuse both during my childhood and adolescence. I tell Tony that I hate my father’s body. (My father never sexually abused me through intercourse).
When my distress finally subsides Tony covers me with my blanket and leaves me to recover curled up on the mattress. I continue to sob quietly for some time afterwards, then exhausted, I drift into a somewhat fitful sleep. Later, Tony returns and tells me he’s never seen me so grounded following a session. I give him one last hug and again thank him for his wonderful support in helping me through what was a very powerful experience.
Still quite bewildered, I sit up but quickly discover that emotionally I’m not yet ready to venture outside, so I remain sitting with my head in my hands for around a further twenty minutes, before leaving at 6.30pm”.
I went straight into the small room next door, where thankfully, I had total privacy to draw my Mandala which showed the varying degrees of anger and sadness I went through; firstly, there was the mild anger, then the baby lying face down, semi-conscious on the floor surrounded by the white light, followed by the intense rage, which eventually led to the almost intolerable sadness.
When I arrived in the kitchen I immediately sensed the lively atmosphere as everyone was in great form though as I was still feeling very fragile, both physically and emotionally, I didn’t really get involved but I definitely did benefit from the cheerful ambience.
At approximately 7.10pm we returned to the session room for our final group discussion. During the meditation I was still very much aware of my sadness and by the time we’d finished, I’d begun to cry a little. I was also deeply touched by some of the other people’s experiences and when it came to my turn to share, I remained very subdued, actually finding it quite difficult to talk.
Tony suggested I should stay in touch with my feelings over the next few days. As he was explaining what he saw during my session I suddenly realised that the paralyses I felt was most likely a memory of being very close to dying, probably associated with my very difficult birth. That insight both frightened and reassured me in some strange way.
It was around 8.30pm when we finished up. After tidying the room and saying our goodbyes I once more hugged and kissed Fiona and Tony, then left at 8.45pm. During the journey home I felt a heavy discharge coming from my vagina. Arrived home at 9.00pm.
Around half an hour later I was still feeling very delicate and was by then producing copious amounts of vaginal gunge. As I was not in the mood for discussing anything with anyone, I just rested for a while, then completely exhausted and without even having a cup of tea, I went straight to bed at 9.45pm.
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment