Closing Day - Sunday 20/4/1997
Slept 'till 6.05am. Got up 7.20am. Had shower and breakfast. Had great laugh in the kitchen then stripped bed and packed.
At 9.55am went into the session room for the three hour small group sharing. I was fine, even during my own sharing but went to pieces while listening to other harrowing experiences which was really just bringing up my own shit. Una, who was sitting beside me, held my hand which was so comforting. Finished up 1.05pm and again became very upset when hugging Una and Suzanne.
During lunch, a woman in my group needed a lot of comforting, so I remained in the dining room with her for a long time after lunch was over.
Returned to the session room for the Closing Ceremony at 3.00pm. Half way through I became very tired so rested against the cushions. By the time we all tidied up and said our farewells, I was ready to leave at 4.30pm. I gave the distraught woman my phone number and comforted her again for a few moments before leaving.
Got a lift into the city centre. Several times during the journey I felt very sick, mainly from the heat and tiredness. While waiting for my bus my head went really spacey, I felt dizzy and thought I was going to puke. Just about survived the journey and arrived home at 6.00pm.
By the time I got into the house I was feeling so bad I didn't care whether I eat or not even though I'd eaten very little all day. I just had a small amount of left-over potatoes. At around 7.45pm developed a terrible stomach cramp and following another dose of the runs, went to bed at 8.00pm where I instantly fell into a deep sleep.
Some Insights + Feelings From 26th/27th Holotropic Breathwork Workshops
18th April, 1997:
During session, when dealing with the disturbing, seemingly sexual thing, I became aware that the sense of exposure I felt during my ordeal has lasted throughout my life. (Feeling exposed when my hall door is open, when not wearing a heavy coat out walking, etc).
21st April, 1997:
Dreamed that three adolescent boys surrounded me on a dark street. I couldn't see their faces because it appeared like they had an invisible covering over the lower half of their face, their eyes were blank. I knew they were going to rape me. I froze with absolute terror.
22nd April, 1997:
Dreamed that a huge spider was crawling all over the wall behind my bed while I was lying in it but every time I tried to see it, it vanished. I just knew it was there.
24th April, 1997:
Dreamed that Tony put up a hand-written note on blue paper on a wall in one of the centres saying that if I didn't settle the two outstanding balances of £70 each, I could no longer participate in the weekend sessions as it was putting a lot of strain on Suzanne because she had to arrange for others to pay my share. I was devastated (in reality, I don't owe money to anyone).
26th April, 1997:
Could the medication I was given while attending a psychiatric hospital back in 1973/74 be responsible for my first contact, in a dream, with my power animal which is a black panther? Also, around that time had a very frightening dream about trains and tunnels. (The medication was to bring my subconscious to the surface).
9th May, 1997:
Returned to bed 9.00am. Within minutes began to go into a strange state where I felt a definite connection between what's coming up in my recent sessions and possible past life experiences. Very strong urge to die due to a combination of knowing that I shouldn't have been born in the first place and also something to do with almost dying whilst being born. Terrible need to return to England as I feel that's where I lived and died in a previous life.
12th May, 1997:
My desire to return to England is so strong it's physically painful. Want to have my ashes spread somewhere there. Rang Tony. He explained that my strange feelings are actually healing me and not to give in to sudden desires. Around 10.30pm, bad indigestion. Later, violent nausea. Couldn't go to be 'till 1.15am as I was sitting on the loo for over half an hour because I couldn't move with the dreadful nausea.
18th May, 1997:
Became very upset when I remembered how my mother would massage the top of my vagina in order to help me insert my anti-fungal cream applicator which I had to use every so often. I was around sixteen years old at the time. Even though I hated her for touching me I still couldn't tell her to stop, especially when she'd ask me if it was nice. I was so embarrassed. I also became upset when remembering my father's comments about my breasts and periods.
I found it so embarrassing when they would laugh while discussing sex and body parts with me in a most disgusting manner. I hated them for doing that to me. The sad thing was I don't think they saw any harm in it at all, it was not their intention to embarrass me.
19th May, 1997:
Over the past few days I've had what felt like a bad dose of 'flu, during which time my temperature, at one point, went up to over 102 degrees. That night I had a very vivid memory of playing with a couple of children in the avenue where I lived as a child. I could clearly see how one child, a younger sister of my friend, wore her hair. It was in double plaits which were tied together at the bottom. She was wearing a multi-coloured cardigan. I was about seven years old.
This evening began to clearly remember a dream I had about my childhood hometown when I was around fifteen or sixteen years old. It was like reliving the dream all over again. Even the colours were exactrly the same. Is it possible my high temperature triggered my subconscious?
Weekend Holotropic Breathwork Workshop 22-25/5/1997
I've just completed my fifth residential weekend and this time there were around thirty/thirty two participants.
Our facilitators were:- Michael, Suzanne, Fiona, Katherine, Deirdre, Jenny and Ellen.
This weekend has, in many ways, been one of the most profound experiences of all my breathwork sessions to date.
Opening Night - Thursday 22/5/1997
Left the house at approx. 4.15pm. Got the 5.30pm bus and arrived at the Centre, 6.30pm. Several times during the journey felt a very deep sadness.
Following a short tea break we went into the session room around 7.30pm for our introductions. At about 9.25pm the experienced breathers, including myself, then returned to the session room for our Shamanic Journey.
This time I travelled down a tunnel which was high enough for me to walk through, and as I cautiously moved downwards, I was constantly aware of a strong earthy smell all around me. I felt the presence of my black panther but he wouldn't show himself. Almost immediately I went into intense grief and sobbed my guts out for the remainder of the journey. Later, talked with Michael for over half an hour about my terrible sadness then went into the kitchen where I remained very distant with everyone for a long time.
I had just begun talking to Don when Jane came in. I first met Jane at my first weekend in this centre last October and was deeply moved by her experience on the Friday. For some strange reason I felt connected to her ever since. Later, when Don left, Jane, Gerard, Noel and I got into very deep conversation and talked 'till 4.30am. Jane needed a smoke so we went out into the small back yard for a few moments, then after I left her down to her room, I went to bed around 4.45am.
28th Holotropic Breathwork Workshop 23/5/1997
After breakfast we went into the session room at 9.00am for the first of the small group introductions. There were eleven participants in our group which was facilitated by Suzanne and Katherine. John asked me to be his partner.
The morning session got started at 10.05am with John breathing first. He completed his journey by 12.55pm and was ready to leave the room by 1.50pm.
After lunch we returned to the session room at 3.15pm. As always, I was very nervous, pacing around, hugging everyone in sight and generally dreading the afternoon. By 3.30pm we were all settled ready for take off.
"My breathing is going really well, straight down into my tummy but after a while I'm aware of the familiar band tightening across my mid-stomach, which this time doesn't interrupt my breathing. Another thing I'm very aware of is the coldness of the air going down into my lungs.
Now my hands begin to move over onto my tummy and I start to yawn and rock my head from side to side. Around half an hour later I go right into my sadness. I begin to push someone off me crying "No, please don't" over and over. I continue with this terrible ordeal until whoever it is completely takes over and I'm left totally helpless. I lie with my legs wide apart and hands stretched out crying and begging the person or people to stop. Evil eyes appear out of nowhere and stare menacingly at me. The whole thing lasts quite a long time.
Sometime later I ask John to get help and soon afterwards, Deirdre arrives. I go into incredible anger screaming at the top of my lungs and kicking out in all directions. Then feeling my body is going to explode I tell Deirdre and she encourages me to let that happen. It all comes out in more explosive rage. Now I feel all that shit in my gut and get Deirdre to press hard on it. Again I scream with every ounce of strength I've left but it's no good, it won't budge.
I return to my sadness, sobbing and choking on my tears then after a long time I tell Deirdre I'm OK. I also tell John to go for his dinner. Sometime later Fiona asks how I am and immediately I break down, desperately needing Michael and Suzanne to hold me. I'm told neither are available right now but they'll come as soon as they can. I tell Fiona that I think I've experienced my natural mother's rape. (I've no evidence to suggest that she was raped other than that she was forty one when I was conceived, she never informed my father of the pregnancy and he went to work in England before I was born).
By the time Suzanne arrives I'm so hysterical I can't even let her hold me for any length of time. I'm like a distraught toddler whose just found his mother after being lost for ages. A few minutes later I abruptly pull away from Suzanne begging to be let die because I'm so sad. Eventually I return to her arms and she holds me so close. I calm down and tell her about my crazy adoptive mother. It's just so good being held. I remain with Suzanne until I'm ready to leave the room at 7.50pm".
After drawing my Mandala, I had some dinner. At around 9.00pm we returned to the session room for the small group sharing, where at times, I found the terrible sense of sadness quite difficult to cope with. We left the room at 10.50pm and before I went into the kitchen I got a hug from Suzanne and Katherine, then outside, I got one from Deirdre.
When I arrived in the kitchen, Jane, Gerard and Noel were already seated at the table. I sat away from them for a good while writing up my journal but also because I was too upset to get involved in the conversation. Later I did join them and again we shared very deeply which was beautiful. The guys went up to bed at 4.00am and Jane and myself headed off up at 4.25am.
29th Holotropic Breathwork Workshop 24/5/1997
At 9.00am we all went into the session room for the Naming Ceremony and my fairy card was "Freedom". The first session of the day got going at 9.55am with John again breathing first. This morning's music was chosen by Deirdre who also did the relaxation exercises. The music was wonderful and I moved to most of it except towards the end of the session when I became very distressed. I did my usual rocking and cried for what seemed like ages. Luckily for John he didn't need any assistance from me. He was ready to leave the room at 1.55pm.
When I went into the kitchen I got a strong feeling not to eat lunch, only to have some water. As I felt I was being guided in this I followed the instruction. We returned to the session room at 3.15pm. For some strange reason this time I wasn't a bit nervous. I talked with Don for a while then rested on the mattress while chatting to John on and off. My body felt very relaxed as I allowed Suzanne's gentle tone of voice wash over me. The afternoon session began at 3.30pm.
"After about five minutes I'm aware my breathing is going really well. The familiar pins and needles now become more intense than ever before and my hands move over onto my tummy. Around half an hour later, what seems like bolts of electricity, rush through my arms down into my hands and I slowly raise them up around my head feeling a tremendous energy flowing between them and it.
Suddenly I'm aware of a beautiful yellow light hovering directly over me and I gently take it in my cupped hands. I now slowly guide this light down my throat towards my heart but as soon as it reaches this area I can't allow it go any further and begin to sob uncontrollably.
Over and over I repeat this procedure until I finally accept the fact that I'm not yet ready to receive this healing.
Now my body is moving in perfect rhythm to the strong drumming music. I'm in total ecstasy as I lie, legs wide open, tilting my pelvis and making very erotic gentures with my hands, it's as if I'm inviting the world and its mother to publicly fuck me. I'm not sure what this triggers but I suddenly feel the need to pee. Sitting on the loo I realise it's not a very urgent need after all. When I return I try to go back into the breathing but I'm overcome by an intense anger.
After a while I abruptly sit up demanding that someone come immediately to help me. Within a couple of minutes Jenny introduces herself and enquires where my body hurts. As always I'm aware of the pain in my upper gut and I place her hand on it. She now gets me to lie down and begins to apply pressure to it. As I scream and kick in wild anger Jenny is encouraging me to really let go. At times it feels like I'm telling her to fuck off but really I don't know who it's actually directed at.
It seems around ten minutes later that I begin to feel my constant need throw up the disgusting shit which always seems connected to my childhood sexual abuse. Sudden gagging sends me over onto my hands and knees, and having eaten nothing since breakfast, my violent retching produces nothing more than the small amount of water I'd drunk earlier on. After what seems like ages of painful spewing up of that bastard's filth and all the rage that goes with it, I finally lie down, completely exhausted from my ordeal.
A slight shift in my position brings about a dreadful nausea which causes me to again gag forcefully and as there's nothing to come up I ask Jenny for some water.
While in my kneeling position I have a sudden vision of Michael in a field pulling open the entrance to an underground tunnel. As soon as this cover is removed a river of disgusting grey fluid rushes out and my black panther tells me it's OK to be sick.
Within seconds my gut is violently heaving up the water while Jenny holds my head over the basin and I press her hand deep into my stomach. Her voice is so soothing and her hands so gentle. There are moments when I wish I could die in order to relieve this terrible agony.
After I lie back down I'm aware of Jenny asking John to empty the basin which makes me feel guilty about causing him that trouble. Everything seems to be fine for a good while then another wave of nausea grips me and I'm back up on all fours spewing up more of the vile tasting liquid which so much resembles semen in every way. Its revolting taste causes me to heave several times long after I finish being sick.
It's at this point that I explode into the most overwhelming rage, screaming and thumping my fists into the mattress, while shouting obscenities in all directions. I tell everyone to fuck off and get out of my sight. Totally distraught I collapse face down sobbing my guts out while pleading with God to help me.
Jenny remains with me gently stroking my back and generally being very comforting then asks if it's OK for Ellen to be with me for a while. Before she leaves I give her a big hug and kiss. Again, she asks John to empty my basin.
I lie curled up on the mattress unable to move because of the dreadful nausea. Ellen lies beside me. Every so often I moan in agony and she slowly strokes my head, speaking softly to me as though I am a young child. Eventually I feel well enough to lie in her arms and soon afterwards we're joined by Suzanne who then takes over from Ellen.
On hearing how sick I've been Suzanne offers me some Rescue Remedy but I vigorously resist any attempt to help me. After placing my head on Suzanne's chest, my thumb searches and finds my mouth, then I drift off into a semi-conscious state of bliss. I'm aware of the awful sounds around me and of Suzanne and Ellen's voices but I don't really connect with any of them. I'm very much in the mind of a new born baby.
After what seems a very long time I'm ready to let Suzanne move away but Ellen remains with me. Katherine now arrives and lies beside me. With both of them close to me I begin to chat in a kind of drunken manner which often happens when I've completed a long hectic session. We have a good laugh. I'm ready to leave the room at around 8.20pm".
Suzanne very kindly left me into the kitchen where I collected some dinner then joined Don in the dining room. Emotionally,I felt very energised but physically, I felt shit. I definitely didn't feel like drawing my Mandala, so instead after I'd had a small amount of dinner, I went upstairs to get ready for the Cleansing Ceremony.
We all arrived in the session room at 9.30pm. Some women, in particular, a lovely woman in her early seventies, look absolutely stunning. I envied them all. One thing I did feel fairly OK about though was getting out on the floor again to "smudge" my partner. I'm beginning to get used to this. As always, I was deeply moved by the beautiful ceremony.
Afterwards I felt very drained and wasn't in any mood for dancing though I did get into the music and enjoyed watching everyone just letting themselves go. A while later, still resting against a bunch of bean bags, I began to feel a little better, so sitting more upright, I played mock drums on my knees in rhythm to the hypnotic African sounds. I had fun with this for ages until I became very tired again.
People were coming over trying to get me up to dance but I felt too awful to budge. It was exactly like suffering from motion sickness, one small move would have had me puking everywhere. I curled up against a bean bag and after a while Katherine covered me with a duvet. Shortly afterwards I fell asleep.
When I finally woke up the music had stopped. Michael, Katherine plus a couple of others were packing up and getting ready for bed. I felt a tiny bit better and glancing at the clock in the session room, realised it was 1.00am. I needed to tell Michael about my Shamanic journey during my session so when he'd put his things away in the little room beside the session room I went through the whole experience with him. Afterwards he gave me a big hug.
Went straight into the kitchen. Shortly afterwards began to feel very nauseous again and found it difficult to talk with anyone. Several times while I was talking with Noel I felt I was going to puke and had to tell him so.
Later I began to feel a lot better and by that time the intimate sharing had begun again. It was beautiful. We then finished washing up the left-over dinner delph and headed off up to bed at 4.00am.
Closing Day - Sunday 25/5/1997
Slept 'till 6.30am then went back to sleep 'till 7.30am. Got up 8.00am. Didn't feel like taking a shower. After breakfast drew my Mandala which depicted the two healing aspects of the session (yesterday's) - the healing light and Shamanic journey.
At 10.00am went into the session room for small group sharing. It got going at 10.20am. I was fine 'till the very end when two distressed partners hugged each other. I just erupted into almost hysterical sobbing and later found hugging the group very painful but also very comforting.
After lunch I was on wash-up duty with Don, Una plus a couple of others. I happened to mention that I'm sometimes very slow at doing things, in a way I was jokingly jeering myself. We had made our way through most of the dishes when a member of the kitchen staff passed a remark something like "would you mind if I took over because your're a bit slow and if you haven't finished by the time you go back inside, I'll be left to do it".
At first I laughed it off but then the true realisation set in, that I'd been publicly humiliated and made feel incompetent. If she had kicked me in the teeth it wouldn't have physically hurt so much. I was thrown straight back into feelings both from my childhood and indeed adulthood of being totally stupid and irresponsible.
I began to quietly cry as I continued to wash up. When she returned and found me upset she immediatley realised that she had hurt me deeply and brought me outside to the small back yard. I instantly felt that this event was meant to happen to put me back in touch with those painful episodes in my life. I spent most of the time comforting her because she was very upset at what she'd said and in the end I repeatedly thanked her for granting me the opportunity to once again feel that pain and hopefully begin the process of healing it.
When I returned to the session room Una sat beside me and it was then that I completely went to pieces. I was so distraught I had to leave the room and wandered up and down the corridor in a state of total shock. Eventually I went back into the room where Jane asked me to sit beside her then took me in her arms. Every so often I totally broke down then recovered. During the Closing Ceremony I offered everyone my "healing light".
After tidying up and saying my goodbyes I got a lift with Don and Sally (the stunningly beautiful lady). During the journey I felt fairly OK. Don drove us to Sally's house. By then I was feeling very spaced out. She invited us in for a cup of tea and we gratefully accepted her kind offer. Even while in Sally's house I felt that I might do or say something wrong and was still very close to tears.
Again during the journey home with Don I felt so inadequate when guiding him to my house. Arrived home 8.00pm Felt OK when describing the weekend to my husband. By 10.00pm I was really freaked and told him about the incident in the kitchen. I felt so sad I just wanted to die. Went straight to bed and cried for ages.
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